


The Boy With the Thorn In His Side

by lallyloo



Category: Eagle of the Ninth Series - Rosemary Sutcliff, The Eagle | Eagle of the Ninth (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-29
Updated: 2012-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-30 07:25:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lallyloo/pseuds/lallyloo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Chemistry class, outgoing hipster Esca is partnered with moody goth Marcus. After a rocky start, they become friends and Esca finds himself drawn to the mysterious boy behind all the makeup.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Boy With the Thorn In His Side

**Author's Note:**

> Mention of a derogatory term (when someone is telling a story about their past) and one instance of minor drug use.  
> Originally posted to livejournal in December 2011.

They'd started out as lab partners during first year chemistry. Esca joined the course a week late, and Marcus didn't have a partner. The professor pointed in Marcus's direction and, when Marcus glanced up through strands of greasy black hair and greeted Esca with a scowl, it became blatantly clear why Marcus was still working alone.

“Esca MacCunoval,” he said, reaching out to shake Marcus's hand.

Marcus ignored Esca's outstretched hand and muttered, “Marcus.”

The new guy and the guy no one wanted to work with, stuck together. Esca always joked that they met by default.

*

Marcus wasn't a talker, and Esca wasn't good at chemistry, and they'd barely passed their first few assignments due to a lack of communication. It took a smoke break from Marcus, minor snooping from Esca, and the threat of a punch to the face for them to finally break the ice.

Marcus had taken off, as usual, and Esca was left to start their experiment on his own. He'd just placed his first beaker on the Bunsen burner when he noticed Marcus's ipod sticking out from under his notebook. The buds rarely left Marcus's ears, and Esca had been curious to know what type of music he liked. Based on Marcus's look, it was likely he listened to a lot of Rammstein or Cradle of Filth, or some other band Esca knew nothing about. Or maybe Marcus was an old school Bauhaus fan, and Esca could fake it and talk about his love of “Bela Lugosi's Dead,” and pretend it wasn't the only Bauhaus song he actually knew.

Esca glanced around the room and, content that Marcus hadn't yet returned, stuck an ear bud in his ear and hit play.

_S.O.S. please someone help me.._

Music blasted in his ear, nearly knocking him off his chair, and it took him a few seconds to realize he was listening to Rihanna.

_It's not healthy for me to feel this way..  
Y.O.U. are making this hard.._

It wasn't at all what he'd been expecting.

_You got me tossin' and turnin' can't sleep at night.._

Apparently Marcus, the big mysterious goth, was a pop fan.

 

“What're you doing?”

Esca had been so distracted by the revelation that he hadn't notice Marcus return to the room. He yanked the bud from his ear but it was too late. Marcus grabbed his ipod and stuffed it into his pocket, glancing around to see it anyone else had noticed, and carefully took his seat next to Esca.

He leaned in close, glaring as he whispered, “If you tell anyone I swear I'll punch your face in.”

“I'm not going to tell anyone.” Esca couldn't help the smirk that played on his mouth as he spoke. “It's not a big deal.”

“It is,” Marcus replied, his voice still low and threatening, “and if you tell anyone--”

“Oh shut up,” Esca whispered back, leaning down to reach into his messenger bag. He pulled out his own ipod and shoved the ear buds in Marcus's direction. “Listen.”

Marcus was hesitant at first, still glaring, but finally held a bud to his ear. Esca tapped the screen, pulling up a hidden folder, and waited as the song started. It took only a few seconds for Marcus's eyebrows to rise up his forehead.

“So hipster boy likes Katy Perry?” Marcus muttered, handing the bud back to Esca.

“So goth boy can recognize a Katy Perry song?” Esca muttered back as his smirk broke into a proper grin.

They stared at each other for a second, and the edges of Marcus's mouth threatened a smile. “Eff you.”

It was at that moment the forgotten beaker overheated and broke, the loud crack causing them both to jump, and they spent the rest of class cleaning up the mess as their professor lectured them on the proper handling of equipment.

That was the moment that broke the ice.

*

They started meeting in Esca's dorm room to study, the actual study time growing less and less, until finally one Saturday Marcus showed up out of the blue without his textbooks. His dark hair was wet and clung to his forehead, his boots dripped water onto the floor, and it was clear he walked the entire way in the rain.

“Wanna hang out?”

“I do, yeah,” Esca said, stepping back so Marcus could enter his room.

They spent the rest of the day together, just talking and watching movies on Esca's laptop. It was fun and easy, and it became a regular thing – Marcus showing up out of the blue and hanging out in Esca's room. Occasionally Esca would get back from class and find Marcus sitting in the hallway outside his door, head lowered, music blasting in his ears, and when Esca unlocked his door Marcus would jump up and follow him inside.

Neither one mentioned it, but somewhere along the line they became friends.

*

Marcus's hair was long and tatted, dyed a fading shade of black, and covering half his face. He always wore what Esca referred to as his “Casper makeup” which made his face ghostly white against his black hair, and his eyes were always dark with kohl. He had a lip ring, and a nose ring, and after their first few conversations Esca realized he had a tongue ring too. He wore black from head to toe, and combat boots regardless of the weather. He seemed angry and unimpressed with life and everyone in it, and he was quiet and moody and brooding.

But Esca quickly discovered there was another side to Marcus too. A side that listened to pop music, and avoided stepping on worms after a rainstorm, and liked to fall asleep on Esca's bed after a long day of classes. The goth thing seemed to be a mask for something, and Esca didn't ask what that might be because it didn't matter. He'd grown accustomed to the strange looks he received when he hung out with Marcus, and those didn't matter either because Esca liked Marcus. He was interesting, and surprisingly funny, and Esca sort of enjoyed the unexplained brooding.

Marcus was weird and different, and Esca was a big fan of weird and different.

*

He didn't ask Marcus much about his past, and he was intrigued the second time Marcus fell asleep in his room and Esca noticed the smattering of freckles peeking out from under Marcus's collar as if he'd spent a lot of time in the sun when he was younger. He tried to imagine Marcus tromping around on a beach -- black swimsuit, dark hair covering his eyes, combat boots kicking down sandcastles. His laughter roused Marcus from his sleep, and he gave Esca a suspicious look.

“Was I snoring?”

“Nah, I was just trying to imagine you at the beach.”

“What the hell?” Marcus laughed and rubbed his eye, smearing black across his cheek. “Why?”

Esca pointed at Marcus's neck, where his freckles disappeared below his shirt. “You've got freckles.”

Marcus frowned and wrapped a hand around his collar, effectively covering his skin. “Stop watching me while I sleep.”

“Stop falling asleep in my room then.”

“Fine, I'll go sleep at my place.”

But Marcus made no motion to leave. He simply turned onto his side, watching as Esca sorted his notes from an earlier lecture, and drifted back to sleep a few minutes later. Esca waited until Marcus's hand slipped away from his collar and took the opportunity to take another look. There were faded lines where Marcus hadn't spread the white makeup quite far enough and Marcus's olive skin was starting to peek through, and his chest appeared to be sprinkled with dark little freckles.

Esca couldn't take his eyes off them.

*

“You're not actually going to wear that, are you?”

“I was considering it,” Esca replied, glancing down at his black t-shirt as he continued holding the door for Marcus. “Think I should wear something else?”

“No.” Marcus brushed past Esca and took a seat on his bed. “It's just weird.”

“Because I'm wearing black?”

“Because you're dressed like me.”

“Marcus,” Esca laughed, closing the door and turning back to his mirror, “it's Halloween.”

“Yeah, but you're still dressed like me.”

Esca stared at Marcus in the mirror, waiting until Marcus looked up. “I can change if it's bothering you.”

“Nah,” Marcus muttered, watching as Esca applied black eyeliner. “It's cool.”

 

Esca had managed to convince Marcus to come with him to his dorm Halloween party. Marcus was becoming a familiar face on Esca's floor, although he rarely spoke to anyone besides Esca, and since it was a Saturday Esca knew Marcus would likely be in his room anyway. Marcus couldn't refuse.

 

Esca paused in his eyeliner application. “You know what you should do?”

Marcus was still watching him in the mirror. “What.”

“You should dress like me tonight. It'd be hilarious.”

Marcus couldn't mask the look of amused horror on his face. “That's not happening.”

“Come on!” Esca left the mirror and grabbed a few scarves, tossing them in Marcus's direction. “It'd be funny.”

Marcus grabbed the scarves before they hit the floor, absentmindedly wrapping them around his left hand. “Not happening.”

“Please, god, it'd be amazing.” Esca rifled through a pile of clothes before pulling out his favorite coat and handing it to Marcus. “You have to wear this.”

“I'm not wearing that,” Marcus said, eying the furry brown coat. “A yak had to die to make that coat.”

Esca laughed. “It's synthetic.”

“It's fucking awful.” 

Esca tossed the coat over Marcus's shoulders. “I love this coat.” 

“I've noticed, but that--” Marcus fell silent as Esca stepped between his knees and wrapped two scarves around his neck.

“Marcus, come on,” Esca begged, his fingers adjusting the fabric against Marcus's skin, “it's Halloween.”

“Fine.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, but I guarantee this coat won't fit me.”

“Alright,” Esca left the bedside, searching for something in his room. “I have something else that'll work.”

Marcus sat quietly, touching the colorful scarves and then lifting the cuff of Esca's coat to his face. “This smells like you.”

“I'm glad to hear I smell like the dead yak coat,” Esca laughed as he crossed the room, holding something in his hand.

“That's not what I meant--” Marcus began, falling silent again as Esca slipped a pair of over-sized black glasses onto his face.

“There,” Esca said, examining Marcus. “Perfect.”

Esca wore the glasses on an almost daily basis, and Marcus squinted suspiciously as he looked through them. “Aren't these prescription?”

“No,” Esca pulled them off and wiped them with the bottom of his t-shirt before slipping them back on Marcus's face. “I don't need them, I just like the way they look.”

Marcus glanced down at himself, before staring up at Esca through the big black glasses. “Happy?”

“Fucking ecstatic,” Esca replied with a grin. He pulled the coat off Marcus's shoulders and tossed it on the bed. “Let's go, hipster.”

*

By the time Esca noticed Marcus's disappearance he had just been part of an altercation with a beer bong, resulting in alcohol up his nose and beer-stained clothes, and was looking around the room to see if Marcus was ready to leave.

Turned out he was already gone.

Esca's fingers mashed the keys on his phone as he rounded the corner of his hallway, and he'd just hit 'send' when he spotted Marcus sitting on the floor outside his door. He'd taken off Esca's glasses, but still had the colorful scarves tied around his neck. With his head lowered and his earphones blaring music, he didn't seem to notice Esca until Esca tapped his shoe against Marcus's boot.

Marcus tugged out an ear bud as he glanced up. “Have fun?”

“Yeah, but you left.”

“I was bored.”

“I thought you were out smoking.”

Marcus smirked at him. “You know I don't smoke.”

-  
It was true. Esca had discovered it one afternoon when they'd both skipped out on chem lab and he watched Marcus light up and then hold his cigarette for a long while before taking quick puffs on it without actually inhaling. As an ex-smoker himself, Esca recognized a non-smoker and he called Marcus's bluff.

“It helps me fit in out here,” Marcus had muttered, gesturing to the other smokers huddled in the alcove.

“You don't talk to them anyway.”

“Good point.” Marcus shrugged and stomped out his cigarette before following Esca back inside.  
-

 

Marcus's phone buzzed as he received the text Esca had sent a moment earlier, and he glanced down at it before looking back to Esca. “What happened to your shirt?”

Esca grabbed the fabric and stretched it out, examining it. “Beer bong explosion.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Maybe. A little. Yeah.”

“Maybe a little..” Marcus laughed to himself as he jumped to his feet, taking Esca's keys from him and unlocking the door. Esca followed him inside, catching a glimpse of himself as he passed his mirror. His eyes were smeared with black, and his face was white except for the area around his mouth where the beer had washed away the makeup.

“We look like twins,” he said, grinning at Marcus as he kicked off his shoes.

Marcus just smiled as he fetched a glass and filled it with water. “Drink this.”

Esca shook his head as he tugged off his shirt. “I'm not thirsty.”

“You need to stay hydrated.” Marcus stepped closer, towering over Esca as he held the glass out to him. “Trust me, you'll thank me tomorrow.”

“Fine,” Esca reluctantly took the glass, gulping down the water and swiping his hand across his mouth before handing the glass back to Marcus.

“I didn't know you had tattoos,” Marcus said, setting the glass next to the sink.

Esca looked down at himself again, examining the tattoo on his arm and then fingering over another one on his hip. “Yeah.”

“They're cool. When did you get them?”

“Um,” Esca stared at the patterns on his bicep, trying to remember. “Awhile ago?” Apparently he was more drunk than he'd realized.

Marcus smirked and pulled the blankets down on Esca's bed. “You should go to sleep.”

“Okay mum,” Esca grinned, climbing under the sheets.

“That's creepy,” Marcus laughed. “I didn't know your mom is a six foot tall linebacker with black hair.”

“She wasn't,” Esca replied, still smiling, and Marcus gave him an odd look because they'd never discussed their parents and he didn't know Esca's mom was gone. “But she took good care of me.”

Marcus was quiet as he threw the blankets up over him, and Esca reached out to catch him by one of the scarves he was still wearing. “You're staying, right?”

Marcus stilled as Esca held him in place, the fabric taut between them. “I wasn't going to.”

“Yeah, stay. Then tomorrow you can ask about my tattoos again.”

“Okay,” Marcus said, and Esca let the fabric slip from his fingers so Marcus could stand upright.

He watched as Marcus pulled off his boots and then unwrapped the scarves from around his neck, his eyes growing drowsy as Marcus refilled the glass with water and set it within Esca's reach.

“What're you doing?” Esca asked, jolting awake when he realized Marcus was easing a blanket off his bed and tossing a pillow on the floor.

“Making a bed,” Marcus replied, gesturing to the floor.

“You're not sleeping on the floor.”

“There's no where else—”

“Sleep here,” Esca said, shifting over in his bed until he was flush against the wall.

“I'm not sleeping in your bed.”

Esca wasn't sure where the reluctance was coming from, or even why he wanted Marcus to sleep beside him, and he was too drunk to give it much consideration. “You sleep in my bed all the time.”

“Not when you're in it,” Marcus said quietly. “There's not enough room.”

“Shut up and get in.”

Marcus didn't respond, he just switched off the light and was still fully-clothed when he climbed under Esca's covers. Esca waited for him to get comfortable, shifting beside Esca and trying to take up as little space as possible.

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” Marcus replied.

“Good.”

Esca turned over and threw an arm across Marcus's stomach, and although Marcus flinched in surprise he didn't push Esca away. They stayed that way for several minutes before Esca spoke again.

“You're surprisingly cuddly,” Esca murmured against Marcus's shoulder, “for a goth boy.”

“Go to sleep,” Marcus murmured back, and even in his drunken state Esca could detect the smile in Marcus voice.

It was the last thing he remembered before sleep took him.

*

When Esca woke the next morning Marcus was already gone. He had a vague recollection of beer bongs and scarves and a glass of water, and Esca turned to find the glass Marcus had left for him. He chugged it down quickly, pleased to discover that his head wasn't throbbing, and checked his phone for a text from Marcus. There was nothing, so he quickly fired off a text saying he was alive and relatively pain-free. Marcus sent one back, saying he was glad, and that was the extent of their contact until Monday afternoon when Esca returned from class to discover Marcus outside his door.

“Rihanna?” he asked, pointing to Marcus's ipod, and Marcus scowled up at him.

“Cradle of Filth,” he said loudly, standing and following Esca inside.

It wasn't until he was passing Esca in the doorway that he leaned over and whispered, “yeah, Rihanna.”

 

Things were back to normal.

*

“MacCunoval,” the professor said, holding up the test paper. Esca took it quickly, rifling through it as he made his way back to his seat.

“Holy shit,” he whispered as he leaned towards Marcus. “I got a sixty-eight.”

Marcus gave him an odd look, “is that good or bad?”

“Good, I was pulling fifties at the start of term.” Esca grinned and winked, “guess it helps that you're talking to me now.”

Marcus just nodded and stuffed his own test in his backpack.

“What'd you get?” Esca leaned over, curiously, trying to see Marcus's paper.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Esca replied, laughing. “You obviously got a mark. What'd you get?”

“Never mind.”

“Fine,” Esca leaned back in his chair. “I don't want to know.”

Marcus watched him for a second, seemingly unconvinced by Esca's sudden disinterest. “Yeah you do.”

“Yeah I fucking do,” Esca laughed. “So tell me.”

Marcus sighed and yanked the paper out of his bag, passing it covertly to Esca.

“Eighty-seven?” Esca hissed, “Jesus, Marcus, I knew you were secretly good at chemistry, but you've been holding out on me.”

“I helped you study,” Marcus hissed back.

Esca grinned. “I know, I'm kidding.”

Marcus took the test from Esca and shoved it back into his bag. “So what're you doing for Thanksgiving break?”

“Probably staying in the dorm.”

“You don't have plans?”

“Brit, remember?” Esca said, pointing to himself. “We don't do the Thanksgiving thing, so my plan was to stay in my room and be lazy and eat cafeteria food all week.”

Marcus was quiet for a moment, as if he was debating his next question. “Want to come to my Uncle's with me instead?”

“Seriously?”

“Well, yeah,” Marcus shrugged, “It'll probably be boring, but maybe less boring with you there.”

Esca laughed. “ _Less boring?_ ” 

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah.”

“So, wanna go?”

“Yeah, I do.”

*

Marcus tried to brief Esca on the ride to his uncle's home, but Esca still wasn't prepared for exactly how vast the property would be or how enormous the house would look from the winding road they took to get there. Marcus had said “big” and “fancy” but Esca hadn't pictured a mansion with proper gates, tennis courts, indoor _and_ outdoor swimming pools, and fields full of horses.

Esca's mouth gaped as they pulled up to the front of the house, and Marcus looked at him cautiously as they stepped out of the vehicle.

“I told you,” Marcus whispered after he paid the driver.

“You said big,” Esca whispered back, following Marcus up the cobblestone walkway, “you didn't say fucking _huge_.”

“We don't have to stay the week,” Marcus hesitated just before ringing the doorbell. “We can have dinner and go back.”

“What're you on about? This place is fantastic.” Esca reached forward to mash Marcus's hand over the doorbell, alerting everyone inside that they had arrived.

“Okay,” Marcus said, taking a deep breath as the sound of approaching footsteps echoed from the other side of the door. “Oh, I should've warned you, my uncle--”

Marcus didn't get to finish as the door swung open and a tall, white-haired man with a wild mustache and friendly eyes greeted them. “Marcus, my boy!” He reached out to pull Marcus into a hug, and Esca couldn't help but notice how small Marcus appeared in the strong arms of his uncle. “Still sporting this black hair, I see.”

“Yes,” Marcus replied, stepping back as they let go, “and Uncle, this is--”

“Esca, I assume!” Marcus's uncle reached out, dwarfing Esca's hand between both of his. “I've heard a lot about you.”

“Have you?”

“Of course, of course,” the man gestured wildly, grabbing for Esca's suitcase and Marcus's bag and ushering them through the door. “Now come in so we can get acquainted.”

Esca stole a quick glance at Marcus as they followed his uncle up a long hallway. Marcus's cheeks were burning red making his white makeup seem pink, and he shrugged and mouthed, “sorry,” and Esca shook his head and gave Marcus a quick thumbs up behind his uncle's back.

*

They spent an hour eating dinner, crowded together at the far end of a long table, and Esca answered question after question from Marcus's uncle. His uncle determined that Esca had arrived in the States when he was sixteen, worked his way through various summer jobs, went to college at nineteen, and had yet to declare a major. He knew how to swim, he liked horses, and in all likelihood he had an irrational fear of sheep. Esca tried his best to deny it, but by the end of the meal Marcus's uncle was convinced that he needed to double check the sliding locks on the barn doors lest the sheep escape and spook Esca.

 

“We've got you both set up in Marcus's old room,” his uncle explained as he lead them up an impressive staircase. Esca was too busy taking in his surroundings to consider the words, but when he noticed Marcus's uncle shoot him a wink he paused and glanced at Marcus. Marcus's cheeks were still flaming red through his white make-up, and he shrugged his shoulders as he lead Esca through the door of a rather average looking bedroom.

“So this is your old room?” Esca asked when they were finally alone. It looked like a stereotypical boy's room. A bookshelf in the corner, baseball glove placed just so with a ball resting inside, a few posters, a box of comics. There was nothing to indicate Marcus himself had stayed there. Nothing unique or personal, not even a photo.

“Yeah,” Marcus muttered, following Esca's gaze around the room. “Sort of. I lived here for a year before college.”

Esca nodded, taking in the information, because they'd never really discussed their pasts or their family life. Esca asked the next question carefully. “Where'd you live before that?”

“With my parents.”

Marcus didn't offer anything more, so Esca didn't push. He'd never told Marcus about his own parents, so he couldn't exactly hold a grudge about being left in the dark. They'd tell their stories when the time was right and until then Esca had more pressing matters to discuss.

“So what was with the wink your uncle shot at you?”

“Oh god,” Marcus groaned. “I was hoping you missed that.”

Esca laughed. “Nope, saw it. So tell me what it meant.”

“I don't know,” Marcus mumbled, focusing on unpacking his bag. “He thinks he's a genius.”

“How so?” Esca was pretty sure he had an idea. They'd passed several bedrooms on their way down the hall, including two fancy guest rooms, and yet, Marcus's uncle was shoving them in one room. In one bed.

“I was trying to warn you when we were outside,” Marcus explained, chancing a glance at Esca. “He thinks we're--”

There was an awkward pause as Marcus seemed to be looking for help from Esca. “You know--”

He flicked his index finger at Esca and then back at himself, motioning between them. “Together.”

“Are you serious?” Esca burst out laughing. It wasn't exactly what he thought, but it explained so much. The questioning, the shared double bed, the knowing looks.

“I've told him a million times, we're not,” Marcus continued, looking mortified. “But he doesn't believe me.”

“So, he's--” It was Esca's turn to pause and motion between Marcus and himself. “He put us here--”

A slight smile began to break across Marcus's face. “Yeah, he thinks he's being hip, letting us sleep in the same bed.”

“Hip?”

“His word, not mine,” Marcus laughed, tossing a pile of black clothing onto a chair. He leaned down to shove his bag under the bed, and then pointed to Esca's suitcase. “You can move to a guest room if you'd like.”

Esca shrugged. “Doesn't matter. Unless you'd rather have your room to yourself.”

“Nah,” Marcus shook his head. “I don't mind.”

Esca lifted his suitcase up onto Marcus's bed and started unpacking. He pulled out his clothes and tossed them on the chair next to Marcus's – colorful shirts and scarves and a pair of skinny jeans for each day they'd be there, all piled next to an indistinguishable pile of black fabric.

“So,” Esca said slowly, amusement tinging his voice. “While we're here, should I pretend we're dating?”

Marcus's eyes grew wide and he couldn't mask the horrified look he shot in Esca's direction. “ _No_ ,” he said emphatically, “don't do that.”

“Fuck,” Esca frowned. “I was half-joking, but alright.”

“I don't--” Marcus began, “I didn't mean it like that.”

“Don't worry about it. I was joking.” Esca turned back to his suitcase, pulling out a few books and his toothbrush. 

“Just please don't pretend we're dating.”

“It's fine,” Esca said, attempting to laugh it off. “I got it, I won't.”

Esca tossed his suitcase on the floor next to the chair, ignoring the relieved look on Marcus's face.

“So,” Esca began again, attempting to lighten the air, “can we go swimming?”

*

“You're really not coming in?”

Esca tiptoed through the shallow end of the pool, his arms raised to his shoulders as he waited for his body to adjust to the cool temperature of the water.

“I'm really not,” Marcus said from the side of the pool. Esca had begged and pleaded, but Marcus wouldn't budge. His compromise was to roll his pant legs up a few inches and sit at the edge of the pool with his feet in the water.

“But you're missing out,” Esca hissed, shivering as the water hit his navel.

Marcus laughed. “Yeah, looks like you're having a great time.”

“You'd best be quiet or I'll come over there and drag you in.” Esca glared at Marcus, attempting to be threatening, but Marcus didn't move from his spot on the wall. “I could, you know.”

“I'm sure you could,” Marcus said with a smirk.

Esca grinned back. “Or I'll just fucking splash you.”

“Don't.”

“Aha, I've found your weakness,” Esca teased, cutting through the water in front of Marcus. “Will you melt then?”

“Esca, shut up.”

Esca shot him a hurt look, but Marcus was smiling beneath the mess of black hair covering his face.

“You're really going to go all week without swimming?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I don't swim.”

“God, _whyyyy_?” Esca dragged out the last word in mild frustration. The fact that Marcus didn't want to swim didn't really bother Esca, he just hadn't heard a convincing reason why.

“I don't like it,” Marcus offered weakly.

“Marcus,” Esca laughed, “you seem to forget that I've seen your freckles.”

“What's that got to do with it?”

“Beach, swimming, sun, freckles.” Esca raised a finger as he said each word, counting out four bits of evidence to support his theory.

“So because I have freckles you've concluded that I like to swim?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe I was born with them.”

“You weren't though, they're clearly from the sun.” Esca pushed through the water as he spoke, drifting closer to the deep end as his body grew accustomed to the cold. “Likely the beach. Bet you used to swim all the time.”

“Woah, Esca, you're a detective,” Marcus teased, laughing, “Like a modern Sherlock Holmes or something.”

“I am,” Esca grinned, puffing his chest out proudly. “And I don't see you denying the swimming thing.”

“Hey, let's talk about you staring at me while I sleep.”

“We can talk about that after you get in the water.”

“Not happening.”

“ _Fiiiine_ ,” Esca sighed. “I'll swim alone.”

He took a deep breath, preparing himself for the cold, and then disappeared beneath the water. When he surfaced he was in the middle of the deep end. Marcus was still seated at the shallow end, looking much smaller than he had a moment before.

“Oi,” Esca called, waving and splashing his arms when Marcus glanced over. “I'm drowning!”

“Tread water,” Marcus called back.

“Lot of help you are!”

Esca swam around the deep end for a few minutes, diving down to the bottom several times and surfacing to find Marcus still at the shallow end.

“At least keep me company down here!” Esca shouted, and he watched as Marcus stood up and made his way to the deep end. His pants were still rolled up and, given that he rarely saw much of Marcus's skin, Esca couldn't help but stare at his calf muscles. He watched as Marcus sat back down and dipped his feet in the water. As he touched the wet cement floor Marcus was careful to keep his fingers from touching his face. Esca wanted to kick himself. It was suddenly so obvious.

“It's the makeup, right?”

Marcus wasn't quick to respond. He glanced up at Esca from under his hair and gave a lazy shrug of his shoulders. “You might be a detective after all,” he mumbled.

“I'm the next bloody Holmes!” Esca shouted, raising his arms and dipping under the water for a second. When he surfaced, sputtering, he spoke again, “I don't get why that would stop you though.”

“It'd wash it off.”

“Well, _yeah_ ,” Esca rolled his eyes. “But who cares? It's just me here, and I hate to tell you but I already know that's not your real skin color.”

“I care.”

Esca frowned. “Yeah, but Marcus, it's _me_.”

When Marcus didn't respond, Esca turned his attention back to swimming. If Marcus didn't want to swim, he didn't have to swim. Ridiculous excuses or not. As Esca moved he sent soft ripples of water towards the wall, and Marcus remained silent, glancing down to watch the water as it splashed against his legs.

“Think I'm done,” Esca said finally, heading towards the ladder. Marcus waited until Esca was out of the water before he stood and followed him out of the pool room.

*

“Fucking freezing,” Esca hissed into the darkness.

They'd waited for Esca to dry off and then headed straight to bed after the swim. The conversation had died at the pool, so they didn't say much to each other until the light was off.

“That's what you get for swimming in cold water,” Marcus teased after a moment, as if he'd been considering his words.

“Shh.”

“And you smell like chlorine.”

“Piss off.” Esca laughed, giving Marcus a soft punch in the side. “I'm your guest, you should be nice to me.”

“Alright, sorry,” Marcus said, shifting away from Esca's fist. “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Esca thought about it for a moment before responding. “Horseback ride?”

“Sure, yeah.”

“What about your makeup?”

“Shut up,” Marcus laughed. “We'll go to the barn after breakfast.”

“Ohhhhhh what about the sheep though,” Esca moaned in mock fear. “I hope your uncle checked the latches.”

“I'm sure he did.” Esca could hear the smile in Marcus's voice as he spoke. “He wouldn't want anything to happen to my boyfriend.”

Esca had a million sarcastic replies on the tip of his tongue. Something about Marcus only admitting it in the dark, and something about Esca's new uncle-in-law, and something else about Marcus and spooking the horses with his Casper makeup, but Esca kept his mouth shut.

They were both nearly asleep when Esca finally spoke again. “Marcus?”

Marcus shifted next to him, “yeah?” His voice was already rough with sleep.

“I really am scared of sheep though.”

There was a brief pause as Marcus attempted to register what Esca had just said, and then Marcus buried his head in his pillow and burst out laughing.

*

Horseback riding went better than Esca had expected. Marcus seemed like a natural, and with a few tips from him Esca managed to fake it well enough. Marcus had offered him one of the older, laid back horses and they ambled along the trails together until Esca's cheeks were red from the cold and their stomachs rumbled with hunger.

“Hang on,” Marcus said as he slid the barn door shut. “I want to show you something before we go back.”

Marcus double-checked the latch and then turned toward one of the smaller barns. Esca followed hesitantly, a foot behind Marcus, calling quietly to him as they walked, “Marcus, I wasn't kidding. I don't like sheep.”

“Trust me,” Marcus said, leading them down a muddy path. Despite his fears, Esca followed Marcus, stepping in each footprint left by Marcus's rubber boots.

Marcus unlatched another door, ducking his head as he stepped in, and Esca stepped in behind, staying as close to Marcus's back as possible without actually holding onto him. Sunlight barely filtered through the dusty windows, so the room was dim. From his position behind Marcus, Esca could see hay piled on one side of the room and tack boxes on the other, with a narrow walkway leading to another room.

“They're in here,” Marcus said, ducking through another door.

The second room was much larger, with hay spread across the floor and one entire wall open to the outside elements. Esca had enough time to notice a fenced area and some gates, before the soft sound of _baa_ -ing in the distance distracted him.

“I'm trusting you,” Esca hissed, “but I hear sheep.”

“The sheep are out there,” Marcus laughed, gesturing outside as he lead Esca to a smaller enclosed space and stepped aside to allow Esca a better view. “But the lambs are in here.”

A large ewe lay on her side, apparently asleep, and Esca would've taken off running but for the sight of the three fluffy white wriggling little creatures next to her. He stood and watched as they nuzzled into their mother, legs tangled together, letting out occasional sounds of _mahh_. Marcus stood beside him, leaning against the pen, and was quiet until he leaned in closer to Esca and whispered, “bloodthirsty.”

Esca let out a huff of laughter and elbowed Marcus in the side, _hard_. “Shut it.”

“Come on,” Marcus grinned, “I want to show you one more thing.”

Marcus led Esca out onto the grass, being careful to stay as close to the enclosure as possible, which Esca assumed was for his benefit. Marcus cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Billy!”

A second or two later a white little lamb came running across the grass, trotting up to Marcus and letting out a _mahhh_ as it nudged against his knee.

“That's fucking brilliant,” Esca enthused. “He knows his name?”

“Nah, not really,” Marcus said, kneeling down to pet the little lamb. “My uncle calls them all Billy, even the girls, so they all answer to it. They probably think 'Billy' means 'feeding time.'” Marcus glanced up at him through a mess of black hair. “But it looked impressive, right?”

Esca nodded, smiling as he turned his head back toward the open field. Suddenly from around a haystack came two little lambs, jumping wildly as they headed for the barn.

“Fucking hell, Marcus, they're jumping.”

“They're excited.”

“They're headed right for us!” Esca stepped back behind Marcus, gripping the fabric of his coat as he tried to use Marcus as a shield.

“It's fine,” Marcus said, letting Esca stand behind him as he took the brunt of the two excitable lambs. “They just want you to pet them.”

Esca watched as the lambs nudged at Marcus's palms, likely looking for food, and then arched their backs up into his hand as he took time to pet each one. Finally Esca eased his grip on Marcus's coat and shifted to kneel beside him, extending his hand and allowing one of the lambs to sniff at his palm before he hesitantly reached forward to pet it.

“See,” Marcus said quietly, “they're just babies.”

“Yeah,” Esca replied, staying on the ground beside Marcus as the little lambs continued to jump around their knees. He was just starting to feel comfortable with the situation when a large ewe appeared from behind a nearby haystack.

“Marcus,” Esca hissed.

Marcus glanced at him and then turned his head to follow Esca's gaze, spotting the approaching ewe.

“That's the mom,” Marcus whispered. “You want to meet her?”

“No,” Esca whispered back, refusing to take his eyes off the animal. “I'm good with lambs for today. Lambs are enough.”

Marcus laughed and gave the little ones a gentle push away from them. They trotted off toward their mother, and Marcus raised himself up to a standing position before reaching down and offering his hand to Esca.

“Come on.”

Esca kept his eye on the ewe as Marcus pulled him to his feet, and then Marcus stepped in front of him to block his view.

“Go,” Marcus said, “I'll walk behind you and protect you from the evil sheep.”

“It's not funny.”

“I know,” Marcus nodded, grabbing Esca's shoulders and maneuvering him behind a small gate. Marcus pulled it closed behind them and checked the latch, and then he turned back to Esca with a smile. “There, see? You met some sheep and you lived to tell about it.”

“I met some lambs.”

“Lambs are sheep. It counts.”

Marcus walked back to the first pen, warning Esca before he flicked open the latch, and stepped in quickly to grab one of the lambs.

“What're you doing?”

“She's got three babies, but can only feed two, so we always bottle feed the smallest one.” Marcus held up the tiny lamb. “It's lunch time for this one.”

Esca glanced around the open area. “Here?”

Marcus shook his head. “I'll just take him up to the house.”

 

Marcus tucked the tiny lamb under his arm and they headed back up the muddy path to his uncle's house. Esca followed behind again, and couldn't help but watch the hulking figure with the black hair cradling the little creature. The image shouldn't have made sense, but it did and for some reason it made Esca's heart hurt a little. It reminded him of all those rainy days when Marcus would avoid stepping on worms, and Esca would poke fun at him even though it was one of the reasons he liked Marcus so much. 

“You still back there?”

Esca smiled at Marcus's back as they trudged up the path. “Yeah.”

“So where'd the fear of sheep come from?”

“Nowhere,” Esca said, “Nothing. Never mind.”

“Nowhere, nothing, never mind? Must be quite a story.”

Esca laughed. “Take me out drinking someday and maybe I'll tell you.”

“Deal.”

*

It rained the third day, and by the fourth day Esca could feel the sense of cabin fever rising as he lounged next to Marcus on the settee.

Esca had gone swimming again on the third day, with Marcus watching from the edge, and then they'd spent hours playing cards with Marcus's uncle. On the afternoon of day four, after spending the morning in the games room arguing and laughing on opposite sides of an antique foosball table, and listening to old LPs in the music room, they seemed to have exhausted their indoor options.

“I'm going to take a shower,” Marcus said finally, heaving himself up from his lazy position on the small sofa. “You alright for awhile?”

“Sure” Esca shifted until he was sitting upright. “I'll probably just go for a wander.”

“If you get lost, my room's in the south wing,” Marcus grinned. “Kitchen's in the east wing. Help yourself if you want anything.”

“Alright.”

“And if my uncle corners you and starts asking--”

“I can handle him,” Esca replied with a wave of his hand.

“Yeah?”

“Sure, I'll just tell him I'm thinking of proposing. Big ring, destination wedding, the whole bit. We decided on Venice, right? I think he'll like that.”

Marcus laughed. “God, no, _don't_.”

Esca gave Marcus a push on his shoulder, shoving him off the sofa. “I won't. Now go shower.”

*

His feet moved quietly over the floor as he passed room after room, and as Esca rounded the corner he recognized the hall as the same one he'd been down earlier with Marcus, when they'd spent several hours in the music room. He could hear jazz music trickling down the hall as he got a little closer, and the distinct scent of cigar smoke filled his nostrils as he passed. Esca peaked in the room as he tiptoed by, and he spotted Marcus's uncle seated in a large lounge chair, facing away from the door.

“Is that you, Esca?”

Esca took a step backwards, craning his neck in the doorway. “Yes, sir.”

The chair swiveled and Marcus's uncle grinned widely when he spotted Esca in the doorway. “I've told you, there's no need to call me sir,” he practically shouted, gesturing to the chair next to him, “you're our guest! Please, have a seat.”

“No, no, don't let me disturb you,” Esca shifted awkwardly in the doorway. “I was going for a wander, that's if it's alright with you.”

“Of course! Of course! Make yourself at home.” Marcus's uncle turned in the chair, rolling the end of his cigar along the edge of an ashtray before taking another long puff. “The library is at the end of this hall. Have you been there yet?”

Esca's ears perked up. He loved libraries and old books, and he figured Marcus's uncle seemed the type to have a one-of-a-kind collection. “I haven't,” Esca said. “Do you mind?”

“Not at all!” He leaned back in his chair, reaching up to twirl one corner of his mustache. “Is Marcus not with you?”

“He's gone for a shower.”

“Ah yes, then he'll be hours reapplying that black goop around his eyes.”

Esca smiled. “Quite likely.”

“Tell me, Esca,” his uncle said, his voice lowering as he leaned forward in his chair, “what do you think of the makeup? And his hair?”

“I dunno,” Esca shrugged. “Whatever makes him comfortable.”

“Hmm, yes, yes, true,” he said slowly, pausing before he asked the next question. “But wouldn't you rather he look like himself?”

“I--” It was Esca's turn to pause as he considered his reply very carefully. “I've only known this Marcus. So he looks like Marcus to me.”

“Ahh, you know, I hadn't considered that.” He looked at Esca, and Esca stared back at him in silence, not really wanting to criticize Marcus's choices, whether he understood them or not. “It's a shame though,” his uncle continued, “he's a fine looking boy underneath all that.”

“I figure he's a fine looking boy either way,” Esca replied, not aiming to be contrary, but feeling a strange need to defend Marcus.

“Of course, yes, of course he is.” Marcus's uncle turned back to roll his cigar in the ashtray. “Don't mind me, I'm just an old man with an old-fashioned mindset.”

“Nah, you're not,” Esca leaned against the door frame. “You care about him, I can see that.”

“I just don't know why he hides..” His uncle grew quiet, and he seemed completely baffled.

“When did he--” He glanced up when Esca spoke and Esca reached up to gesture around his own face. “You know..” 

Esca immediately felt guilty for asking. If he was curious, he should've been asking Marcus.

“Last spring?” Marcus's uncle replied. “No, it was summer. School had just ended. He came home in a rage one day. Hated everyone and he hated this place. I had no idea what brought it on. I thought things were fine, but I'm just the old uncle, what do I know? He dyed his hair a week later, and the rest came shortly after that.”

Esca just nodded, not wanting to pry further. “I should let you get back to your music.”

“Right, yes. You've got a library to explore and I've got a cigar to finish!”

*

The library was just as interesting as Esca had hoped. It contained shelves and shelves of books – old medical textbooks, antique encyclopedias, books on how to grow your own shrooms, and how to build your own coffin, and even one called _The Cultural History of the Fart_.

Esca moved down the rows, trailing his finger along the old bindings and pausing occasionally to smirk at a title, until he reached a newer looking shelf filled completely with new books and unread paperbacks. Esca gave it a quick glance, intending to bypass it, when a taller hardback caught his eye. Esca tilted his head to read the title.

_Calleva High 2010_

Marcus's yearbook.

Esca hooked his finger in the top and slid it out slowly before taking it over to one of the over-sized leather chairs. He took a seat, crossing his legs underneath him, and stared at the cover. It looked like any other yearbook, candid shots all cropped and pasted together in a mishmash collage of smiling faces. The school name emblazoned on the front in rich red lettering, and the year in bold black lettering underneath.

It took a minute for Esca to even open the cover. He shouldn't have felt guilty. The book was right there for anyone to read. But Esca still felt a bit bad when he opened the book, turning to the first page, and the binding cracked as if it hadn't been opened in a long awhile, or maybe ever.

He flipped through the first few pages, trying to ignore the overwhelming curiosity to turn right to Marcus's class and find his photo. There were cafeteria shots, and people waving from behind desks. Students running in gym class, and eating lunch under a tree, and Esca managed to make it as far as the faculty photos before he flipped to the graduating class and glanced down the page until he found _Aquila, Marcus_.

 

Esca stared at the white square above Marcus's name.

_Photo Not Available._

Esca flipped to the index at the back of the book, and fingered over the names until he found Marcus. There was only one page number beside his name - _67_.

Esca turned to page sixty-seven and discovered it was dedicated to the football team. Marcus occasionally joked about being a linebacker, but Esca hadn't considered that Marcus might've actually been on his high school football team. It seemed hilarious, to think of that big guy with the little lamb tackling huge football players. Esca skimmed over the names below the team photo and found Marcus in the third row, fifth from the left. Esca counted five over from the left in the third row, and smiled when he spotted a familiar face staring back at him. The photo was small and grainy, but Esca could tell it was Marcus. His hair was short, and his neck looked incredibly thick without the tatty black hair covering it, but the eyes and nose and mouth were the same. It was Marcus, and Esca found himself wishing the photo was a bit bigger so he could see it clearly.

“Found my yearbook?”

Esca's head shot up to find Marcus standing in the doorway. His hair was freshly washed and his eyeliner –not yet smudged– was applied perfectly around his eyes. He was dressed all in black, as always, and he cut quite a menacing figure in the doorway. But to Esca's relief he looked more amused than angry, and Esca's ears were burning with embarrassment as he spoke.

“Football team, eh?” Esca tried to say casually. “I didn't realize the linebacker thing was for real.”

Marcus shrugged. “Not exactly built for the figure skating team.”

“What?”

“It's a joke.”

Esca nodded and flipped back a few pages, wanting to ask about Marcus's missing photo without making it obvious that he had been looking for it.

“It's the only photo of me in there,” Marcus said, saving him from having to ask. “I switched schools after picture day, so I'm only in the team photo.”

“Oh.” Esca closed the book and rose to put it back on the shelf. “Shame.”

“I guess.”

Esca joined him in the hallway when Marcus suggested dinner, and they carried on a casual conversation as they made their way down the hall.

“How'd you know I was in the library?”

“I ran into my uncle and he said you were in there.”

“Oh,” Esca said, flashing back to their earlier conversation. “Did he say anything else?”

“He said he's thrilled about the wedding. He really wants to see Venice.”

“ _What_?”

“It's a joke.” Marcus side-eyed him as they walked. “Remember? You're proposing to me? Jesus, Esca, what's up with you?”

“Nothing,” Esca laughed, shaking his head and forcing out a smile. “Hungry, I guess.” He gave Marcus a playful shove. “Make me some dinner!”

*

Esca opened his eyes in the early morning light of the bedroom.

He was on his side, facing Marcus, who was still asleep. It was the fifth day, and the first time Esca had woken before Marcus. Esca took the opportunity to watch him, completely unguarded, and he couldn't help but stare at the now familiar freckles peeking out from under the collar of Marcus's shirt. Esca's eyes moved up Marcus's neck, over his jaw, and over his slightly parted lips. His cheeks were flushed, or maybe the white makeup had worn off with sleep and it was just his proper skin tone showing through. Esca stared at his closed eyes, one partially covered by messy black hair, and Esca resisted the urge to reach up and brush the hair from Marcus's face.

He liked Marcus.

The tiny nagging ache in his heart was beginning to make that painfully obvious, and he wasn't quite sure what he was going to do about it. As much as they joked about it, Marcus didn't want Esca to fake a relationship for his uncle, and to Esca that was as good an indication as any that Marcus wasn't interested.

Esca wasn't even sure if Marcus preferred guys over girls. He hadn't discussed that aspect of his life with Marcus either. It hadn't seemed to matter before, and it was complicated anyway. He didn't like to label himself. Sometimes he liked to kiss girls, sometimes he liked to kiss boys.

And at that moment, in the quiet early morning with the two of them curled up together under the covers, he really wanted to kiss Marcus.

Marcus seemed to choose that moment to shift in his sleep, and Esca quickly closed his eyes. He listened as Marcus slowly came to, likely opening his eyes and adjusting to the light. Esca tried his best to feign sleep when he felt Marcus move slightly, as if he was stretching, and Esca heard him take a deep breath in through his nose and let it out quickly. Then he fell quiet.

Esca waited, not entirely sure if Marcus had gone back to sleep, and he was about to open his own eyes again when Marcus turned over and got out of bed.

Esca eased one eye open, watching the sleepy figure of Marcus stand, stretch, run his fingers through his rumpled hair and give his head a quick scratch. He was dressed in black pajama pants and a shirt, but his feet were bare, and Esca watched as he shuffled across the floor to the bathroom.

 

He was sitting up when Marcus exited the bathroom a minute or two later, and Marcus smiled at him as he walked across the room. “Nice hair.”

Esca reached up to pat the top of his head, trying to guess how wild his hair must look, and he grinned back at Marcus. “You're one to talk. Surprised you can see where you're walking.”

Marcus laughed off the comment and sat at the food the bed, crumpling lazily around Esca's feet. “So tired.”

Esca toed him through the blanket. “What's the plan for today?”

“Think my uncle wants us to go into town with him” Marcus mumbled. “But I might be able to get us out of it.”

“Could be fun, no?”

“No.” There was a pause as Marcus seemed to consider it. “I don't know, maybe. Do you want to go?”

“Better than staying cooped up here, yeah?”

*

The three of them piled into Marcus's uncle's swank old Cadillac and flew down the highway with his uncle at the wheel.

“Still driving the caddy?,” Marcus muttered from the backseat. “This thing's a boat. You should downsize.”

“Marcus, my boy,” his uncle exclaimed cheerfully, rolling down his window and blasting them with cool November air, “this car is a classic.”

“It doesn't even have proper seat belts.”

“You've got one across your waist, what more do you want?” He reached forward and flicked on the radio and The Ventures' “Pipeline” blasted over the speakers.

“And now we're in a sixties spy movie,” Marcus teased, and Esca turned around to look at him, not quite sure if Marcus was in a mood or if he was just trying to wind up his uncle. Marcus seemed to understand when he smiled and shot Esca a wink.

 

The trip was relatively uneventful, with a stop for cigars, and another stop at the local deli to get sandwiches and the latest news. Esca was half-expecting to run into someone Marcus might know. He'd spent a year there, it seemed likely he'd know someone around town, but Marcus just ambled along with them, not paying much attention to his surroundings or the people. Maybe it was intentional, Esca wasn't sure.

*

“You like to wind him up,” Esca said later when he and Marcus were relaxing in the music room.

“Who?”

“Your uncle. The bit about his car.”

Marcus laughed. “He enjoys it.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure. He bugs me about my hair, I bug him about his boat. It's how we work.”

“It _is_ a fantastic car.”

“It's friggin' sweet is what it is.”

Esca laughed as he flipped through a pile of records. “Cream?”

“Mmhmm,” Marcus mumbled from his position on the couch.

“What the hell kind of band name is that?”

Marcus flipped onto his side to stare at Esca. “You don't know Cream?”

Esca shrugged. “No.”

“Thought you were a hipster.” Marcus left the couch and snatched the record out of Esca's hand.

“Oh, I'm sorry Mister Rihanna, I didn't know you were a music expert.”

“Shut up,” Marcus grinned, placing the record on the turntable and easing the needle down. “You probably know the music, you just don't know the name.”

Marcus resumed his position on the couch, and Esca laid on his back on the floor as the music started. He vaguely recognized a few songs, and he attempted to hum along as he stared up at the ceiling fan.

“Almost wish I was high right now,” Esca said, watching the blades spin. “This music would be brilliant.”

“Side table drawer,” Marcus mumbled.

Esca glanced over at him. His eyes were closed but he seemed to be at least partially awake. “What?”

“Over there.” Marcus pointed in the direction of his uncle's swivel chair. “Side table.”

“Are you serious?” Esca hopped up off the floor and took a seat in the chair, yanking open the top drawer to reveal an impressive stash. “Does he care if we..?”

“Have you met my uncle?”

“Yes, but--”

“He won't care.”

*

Twenty minutes later they found themselves side by side on the floor, giggling like schoolboys as they stared up at the spinning blades of the ceiling fan.

“I don't feel anything.”

“Me neither.”

“Maybe it's old.”

“Maybe it's defective.”

“Maybe it's detective.”

“You're high.”

“M'not.”

“You are, you lightweight.”

“You can't call me a lightweight,” Esca whined. “It's not the same as drinking.”

“You get drunk fast, and apparently you get high fast. You're a lightweight.”

“Well we can't all be giant linebackers.”

“Be quiet or I'll tackle you.”

“I'm not shutting up so you'd best tackle me now and be done with it.”

“I'd end up crushing you.”

“You fucking wouldn't. I'm not as weak as you think.”

“I don't think you're weak.”

“That's sweet. That touches me to the very core of my being. Now are we wrestling or what?”

“We're not.”

“Aw come on, Marcus. I won't break. I'm used to rough and tumble, I'm small but scrappy. Am I talking really slow--?” Marcus chose that moment to move, wrapping one arm around the back of Esca's neck and the other around his right leg, pulling his arms together until Esca was bent up like a pretzel. “Oi! Fucking hell!”

Marcus held him there for a moment while Esca struggled against the strength of his arms. Then Marcus pressed his face against Esca's ear, laughing “I win,” and let him go.

“Unfair fight!” Esca shouted, rubbing the back of his neck. “I'm high. Not fair at all.”

“You're the one who wanted to wrestle.”

“Tackling, not wrestling.”

“ _You_ said wrestling.”

“I'm high, don't listen to the things I say when I'm high. Wait, I just thought of something. Did you inhale?” Esca turned to glance at Marcus who was smirking up at the ceiling fan. “You fucking didn't! Marcus, what the hell? Now I'm high and you're just you and we're lying on the floor--”

“So?”

“So now I can't stop bloody talking and you're going to remember every second of this and take the piss out of me for it later. I know how you are now. Wind up. Can we go to sleep?”

“Do you want to?”

“Of course. I'm not sure I can walk there, but I want to go there.”

Marcus laughed, getting up quickly and leaning down to grab Esca's hand. “I'm pretty sure you can walk.”

“I don't know. That fan is giving me vertigo.” Esca closed his eyes as Marcus pulled him to his feet, and then leaned against Marcus to stay upright. “Fucking carry me.”

“I'm not carrying you,” Marcus said, placing a hand around Esca's waist, “but I'll help you.”

 

“That stuff is potent,” Esca whispered, tiptoeing along beside Marcus. “Everything looks huge and there's silk coming out of my mouth. Wait. Am I yelling?”

“No,” Marcus whispered back, smiling at him. Marcus and his bloody stupid beautiful smile. “You're fine.”

“Marcus, I can't do the stairs,” Esca said when he noticed the massive staircase approaching. “I'm not even joking.”

Marcus glanced around the main hall at the bottom of the stairs. “You really want me to carry you?”

“Or you can leave me here on the rug. Either option sounds comfy right now.”

Marcus hunched down in front of him. “Put your arms around my neck.”

“We're doing piggybacks?”

“Yes,” Marcus slapped his own shoulder, encouraging Esca to grab on. “Come on.”

Esca wrapped his arms around Marcus's neck, and Marcus tucked his hands under Esca's knees and lifted him off the floor.

“Hang on.”

Esca latched on tightly, resting his cheek against the back of Marcus's head. “You are the fucking the best.”

*

Esca woke up the following morning pressed against Marcus's side, and when he moved to turn over he realized his arm was tied to Marcus's wrist. He tried to think back to the night before, remembering the records, the pot, Marcus on the couch, and a ceiling fan. Then it all turned a little hazy. He could recall laughter, a giant staircase, being bent up like a pretzel – not necessarily in that order. He was pretty sure he was on Marcus's back at some point, and he could remember the feeling of time jumping ahead, and a fear that Marcus was going to disappear in the time vortex, and then.. tying Marcus's wrist to his own.

Oh bloody hell, Marcus would never let him live that one down.

Marcus shifted, turning over onto his side, and Esca held his breath as Marcus moved against him, not wanting to wake him before he could get the string untied. When he was satisfied that Marcus was still asleep, Esca shifted his arm carefully and fiddled with the knot for a second, before he realized it was triple-knotted and they'd likely have to cut it off with scissors. He cursed quietly, shifting until he was a few inches from Marcus, lest he wake up and find Esca plastered to him.

Then Esca let himself stare, since he was technically trapped there anyway.

Marcus's head was tilted back a bit so Esca was almost at eye level with his chin, and his hair was off his face for once. Esca stared at the familiar contours of his face and the long line of his neck, wanting to trace his fingers over it and feel the bump of his adam's apple. Marcus flinched in his sleep, letting out a soft noise from his throat, and Esca watched the muscles in his neck contract. The skin was darker there, not disguised by the makeup that still showed on Marcus's face from the day before. He was always amazed that Marcus could sleep with that stuff on his face, Esca's skin would've broken out after one night of it.

Marcus shifted again, pulling his hand up to rest on the pillow, and Esca's arm went with him. Sleeping Marcus didn't seem to notice the extra weight, and Esca let his hand settle gently on the pillow next to Marcus's face. Their hands were close, bound together at the wrist, and although he knew he probably shouldn't, Esca slipped his fingers between Marcus's and left them there for a moment, letting himself feel Marcus's large fingers intertwined with his own.

He wasn't quite sure what moment had done it. Maybe it was the lambs. Maybe it was Marcus's sleeping face. Or maybe it had happened without him knowing and it had taken him a long while to realize.

But Esca realized it then. Sleeping in Marcus's bed, waking up pressed against him and watching him sleep. Holding Marcus's hand in the early morning, and hoping Marcus wouldn't wake up any time soon because it would probably mean he'd have to stop.

Esca had fallen in love with his best friend.

His best friend who helped him pass his chemistry midterm, and protected him from evil sheep, and made him drink water when he was drunk, and tucked him into bed, and carried him around when he was high and yammering like an idiot. His best friend who didn't let people get close, but let Esca sleep in his bed, and was always falling asleep in Esca's. His best friend with the questionable makeup and the mysterious freckles and the wicked sense of humor. His best friend who was quite possibly into guys, if his uncle's assumptions were anything to go by, but not interested in Esca.

Esca slipped his fingers out from between Marcus's and tried to ignore the ache in his chest. He still had Marcus, whether he was allowed to kiss him or not. No one else had been allowed to get that close.

 

“We still tied together?” Marcus mumbled a few minutes later. When Esca didn't reply, Marcus eased an eye open. “Oh good, you're here,” Marcus said, glancing down at their wrists. “Does that mean we went through the vortex together?”

“Sorry,” Esca muttered, trying to bite down the smile that threatened on his mouth because he knew Marcus was teasing, but he still felt like an arse. “You know how it is. Like you're losing time?”

“Yeah, it's alright,” Marcus smiled, “it was actually kind of funny.”

“Glad I could amuse you, at least.” Esca gave their wrists a shake. “Did we wrestle last night?”

“Yeah,” Marcus shifted onto his back, stretching his arms above his head and pulling Esca's hand with him, “but you lost.”

“Not surprising.”

“You put up a good fight though.”

“Really?”

Marcus stretched again and let out a long yawn. “Nah, not really.”

“Unfair!” Esca used his free hand to jab Marcus's in the ribs, and Marcus yanked his arms back down to protect himself. “You're huge.”

“That's exactly what you said when you lost.”

“Yeah, well, it's still true.”

Marcus glanced down at him and a smirk seemed to play on his mouth. “So did you notice you're wearing my clothes?”

Esca's eyes went wide. “Fuck you, I am not.”

“No, you are, look.”

Huddled under the covers, Esca hadn't even considered his clothing, other than the vague sense of relief he felt that he hadn't woken up naked. Esca used his free hand to yank back the covers, and discovered he was wearing an unusually large black t-shirt and black pajamas pants that were long enough to cover his feet.

“Why am I wearing your clothes?”

“Your clothes were shrinking, I think.”

Marcus was so matter-of-fact that Esca burst out laughing. “Fucking hell, no more of your uncle's stash.”

*

The last two days were filled with football and turkey, and Esca didn't really mind as it meant he got to waste away many hours hunkered down with Marcus, eating snacks, drinking beer, and listening to Marcus try to explain American football to him. The final feast was good, the company was even better, and Esca found himself sorry to be leaving when they packed their bags and stood at the door on the final afternoon.

“Esca, it was wonderful to have you here,” Marcus's uncle said as he gave Esca a clap on the shoulder. “I suppose you'll be in England for Christmas?”

“Oh, no, I--” Esca paused, and smiled, and tried to figure out how to answer without leaving things on a depressing note. “I'll be spending the holidays in the States.”

“Really?! Well, you're welcome here if you'd like.”

He clasped Esca's hand in both of his own just as he did on the first day, and gave a rough shake, and Esca just nodded, and smiled, and said thanks, and couldn't bring himself to look at Marcus.

“And Marcus, my boy,” his uncle continued, turning to Marcus and pulling him into a hug. “It was wonderful to have you here too. I've missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Marcus managed to mumble against his uncle's thick wool sweater. “And I'll be back for Christmas break.”

“I look forward to it,” his uncle said jovially, and he then spoke against Marcus's ear, lower but still loud enough to be heard by anyone in the room. “Be sure to bring Esca.”

“I will,” Marcus said quietly. “I mean, I'll see.”

*

It was strange at first, being back in his dorm room. Esca found he missed Marcus beside him when he was sleeping, which was utterly ridiculous as they'd only spent a week at his uncle's and Esca had been sleeping in his dorm room alone for months. He was secretly pleased when Marcus showed up at his door three days after they returned and promptly fell asleep on his bed. It was familiar, and comforting, and Esca sat at the foot of his bed, next to Marcus's feet, and reviewed his lecture notes while trying to ignore the soft snores coming from the opposite end of the bed.

 

“You snore,” Esca said when Marcus finally sat up an hour later.

Marcus yawned. “So do you.”

“No I don't.”

“Yeah you do.”

“Well fine, but you were snoring just now,” Esca shut his notebook. “It was cute, like little--” He stopped mid-sentence when he noticed Marcus's raised eyebrow.

“Cute?”

“Oh I'm sorry,” Esca said, aiming to distract Marcus by teasing him. “I meant scary. Scary, yeah? Is that better?”

“Whatever,” Marcus replied, but he was smiling, and Esca could see the flush of red rising up Marcus's neck and across his pale skin.

“Wanna go get dinner? I have my cafeteria pass, I'll just swipe through a second plate. They never notice.”

“Yeah.” Marcus rose quickly from the bed. “Wednesday's nacho night, right?”

Esca nodded. “Using me for my food pass, I see.”

“Hey, you offered,” Marcus grinned. “I'm just going along to keep you company.”

“Lies.” Esca smiled back, gently pushing Marcus towards the door. “Let's go.”

*

Things were back to normal for awhile. With Marcus showing up at his door, often waiting there when Esca got back from class, and the two of them hanging out as they did before. Nothing out of the ordinary, and Esca kept his realization to himself. He could ignore the fact that he'd fallen in love with his best friend, or at least push it away and avoid it for awhile.

It was two weeks before Christmas when things changed.

Esca had started to take it for granted that Marcus would hang out in his room on weekends. They'd done it that way for months. So he was thrown when he mentioned Friday night and Marcus grew quiet and awkward, avoiding his gaze and managing to stammer that he likely couldn't make it.

“You're serious?” Esca asked. “What, big study plans? Or have you decided to sleep in your own bed just this once?”

“I sleep in my own bed,” Marcus mumbled. “But your bed's more comfortable.”

“So what is it then?” Esca's curiosity was only mildly peaked. He hadn't been expecting anything out of the ordinary, just a lab or a study group. Something to do with school, surely, because the only one Marcus hung out with was Esca.

“I'm umm..” Marcus hesitated, his gaze intensely focused on his hands, which were folded on his knees. “I have a date.”

Esca felt his eyes grow wide. “What? With who?”

“Just this person I met online,” Marcus still wasn't looking at him. “A guy.”

Marcus glanced up then, slowly, meeting Esca's gaze and setting his jaw as if he was waiting for Esca to say something, as if he was challenging Esca to question it.

“Oh,” was all Esca could say, and he tried to mask his surprise but he knew he was failing miserably. “Oh, okay. Cool.”

Marcus's gaze went back to his hands, so Esca continued, “So what's he.. does he go here?”

“Yeah, he's second year. Bio major, I think.”

“Oh.”

Silence fell between them, and Esca was relieved when Marcus finally looked up at him again. “I can come over Saturday if you want.”

“Sure,” Esca nodded, “yeah, of course.”

 

So Marcus was going on a date with a guy.

And that guy wasn't Esca.

*

Esca went out with his dorm mates on Friday, figuring if he was out at least it might keep his mind off Marcus and his date. He wouldn't have to think about some other guy making awkward conversation with Marcus, and asking him about his interests, and maybe coaxing a smile out of him. He wouldn't have to think about the what-ifs, and what if Marcus wanted to see the guy again, and what if things went well, and what if things went _so well_ that Marcus stayed at the guy's place, or worse, what if the guy stayed at Marcus's.

That one got him the most. Someone else staying in Marcus's bed with him. Someone else being let in.

Esca ended up drinking more than he should, doing karaoke with the quiet girl from the end of his hall, and belting out all the power ballads he could find in the repertoire. He was on his third rendition of _”I Will Always Love You”_ when someone offered him yet another beer and it all became a blur after that. He lost his hat at some point, and the shoelaces from one shoe, and he vaguely recalled climbing the stairs of a shuttle bus at 3am and being taken back to campus.

*

He woke when someone peeled something damp off his forehead. The bed felt familiar, and Esca was pretty sure he was in his own room, but his forehead felt cold and someone was sticking wet things on him and it hurt too much to open his eyes.

“If this is a prank, piss off,” Esca mumbled. “I'm hungover.”

A soft chuckle echoed from the right side of the room. “How much did you drink last night?”

Marcus.

“Aw, fuck,” Esca sighed, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. “Too much, I drank too bloody much.”

“I can see that.”

Esca reached up to his forehead and grasped at the wet thing stuck to him.

“What's on me?”

“A damp cloth.”

“Why?”

“You were like a furnace when I got here, sweating through your sheets, so I figured that might help.”

Esca reached down, realizing his blanket had been pulled off, or maybe he'd never had it on, and he was only covered by a thin sheet. He patted himself, touching his chest and shoulders, trying to determine whether or not he was wearing clothes, and was relieved to find he was still wearing his shirt and trousers from the night before.

“You're here early. What time is it?”

“Three.”

“Really?”

He could hear Marcus hum a reply in the affirmative.

“Ugh. It's like someone ran me over.” Esca shifted and a piercing pain hit him square between the eyes. “Gahhh, damn damn damn.”

“I told you,” Marcus was saying, “drink water and you won't be hungover.”

“I don't even remember coming home,” Esca muttered. “Doubt I remembered water.”

He could hear Marcus moving around the room, turning on the tap and lifting things up and setting things down, and it all sounded _so loud_. 

“That explains why your door was open.”

“Shit, was it?'”

“Yeah, I came to check on you and it was wide open.”

Esca hesitated. “Why were you checking on me?”

“I texted you last night, then again this morning, and you didn't answer. I figured you were either dying in here or out somewhere without your phone. Or ignoring me.” Marcus seemed to add the last line almost as an afterthought, and Esca wasn't quite sure what to make of it so he left it alone.

“Yep, dying in here. Didn't have my linebacker nurse to make me drink water.”

“Quiet, Whitney.”

Despite already being sick as a dog, Esca could feel the color draining from his face. “What?”

“That,” Marcus said, his voice suddenly much closer and his finger poking Esca's chest.

Esca raised his hand to feel the place Marcus touched, and there seemed to be a sticker attached to his shirt. “What's it say?”

“Hello my name is Whitney Houston.”

“Oh God.”

“What's that about?”

“Karaoke or something, I dunno,” Esca mumbled, ignoring the chuckle he heard from Marcus, and not offering any further explanation.

The room grew quiet, and Esca could hear Marcus shifting again, setting a glass down by his head, and Esca felt like he should ask. He didn't think Marcus would offer without prompting, and a small part of Esca wanted to know.

“So how was your date?”

Esca was glad his eyes were closed so he didn't have to see Marcus's face, and Marcus wouldn't be able to see his, lest he give something away.

“It was fine,” Marcus said, and Esca tried to gauge whether he sounded enthused or unimpressed.

“Home by curfew, I trust.” Esca wanted to punch himself after the words slipped out of his mouth, but Marcus just laughed.

“I was back by eleven.” He peeled the cloth off Esca's forehead and disappeared to the sink to re-wet it. “I texted you just after midnight but you didn't answer,” Marcus continued, his voice almost drowned-out by the sound of running water.

“Busy night,” Esca mumbled. “Sorry.”

Marcus placed the cloth back on Esca's head, and Esca had to admit it felt much better. “Probably better than Fridays stuck in here with me.”

“I like Fridays stuck in here with you.”

“No you don't.”

“Don't tell me what I like,” Esca mumbled, and it ended up sounding less jokey than it had in his head. He turned onto his side and then immediately regretted it when a wave of nausea washed over him. “Fuck, mistake, mistake.” He turned back over and tried to stay as still as possible.

“Better?”

“A bit.”

“Want me to stay?”

“Yeah.” Esca flexed his fingers and managed to pat the space next to him without moving the rest of his body. “Stay. Pretty sure I'm dying.”

“You'll be fine.” The bed dipped slightly as Marcus slid in next to him, as if Marcus was being extra cautious. “Just sleep it off.”

Esca nodded, because sleep sounded great right about then.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before he spoke again, but Marcus was breathing softly next to him and he almost hoped Marcus was asleep so he wouldn't have to hear the answer to the question he needed to ask.

“So are you going on a second date?”

It took a second for Marcus to respond. “Yeah, Friday again.”

“Okay,” was all Esca could think to say. Then he forced himself to go back to sleep.

*

Marcus stayed until Monday.

By Sunday, Esca had recovered enough to order pizza and spend the day alternating between movie-watching and studying for their upcoming chemistry exam. When Marcus had nodded off while quizzing Esca on their review questions, Esca had gently eased the textbook out from underneath him and left Marcus there to sleep.

Christmas break was a week and a half away, and Esca hadn't yet decided what he was going to do. Marcus's uncle had invited him, but he wasn't sure if it would be awkward with Marcus dating someone else. Silly, because they'd gone there as friends in the first place, but it was also the place where he'd realized he was falling in love with Marcus. He wasn't sure he could handle staying in Marcus's room, knowing Marcus was seeing someone else back at school. Knowing the person he wanted was right there and he couldn't do anything about it. And worse, that Marcus didn't want him to anyway.

Marcus let out a soft snore from the bed, shifting in his sleep and grabbing Esca's pillow. He bunched it up and held it against himself, as if his sleeping form needed something to hold onto.

Esca smiled to himself. Marcus was in his bed, holding his pillow. The new guy didn't have that. Yet, at least.

Determined to stop feeling sorry for himself, Esca flicked off the light and slipped in beside Marcus, letting Marcus keep his pillow as he tried to go to sleep without it.

So they'd had one date. Big bloody deal.

*

Their exam was Thursday morning. Marcus met Esca outside the classroom and they made sure to choose seats near each other, with Esca joking that he'd need to cheat off Marcus's paper.

When it was over, Esca walked out feeling confident. It seemed to go even better than his midterm had, and he slapped Marcus on the back and offered to buy him lunch. Real lunch, not food they covertly swiped from his dorm cafeteria.

 

“Can you do me a favor?” Marcus asked after they'd placed their orders and handed the menus to the waiter. He was leaning in closer, almost whispering to Esca from his side of the table.

“Sure, anything.”

“If we go back to your place after this--” Marcus reached up to push his hair out of his eyes. “--will you cut my hair?”

“ _Cut your hair?_ ”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you want to cut your hair?”

Marcus shrugged. “Something different.”

Esca stared at him in disbelief. “And you want _me_ to cut it?”

“You cut yours, don't you?”

“Well yeah,” Esca ran his hand through his own hair – it was scruffy and uneven, but it saved him money to do it himself, and it worked with his current hipster thing anyway, “but have you seen my hair?”

“What's wrong with it?”

“Fucking hell,” Esca laughed, “are you serious?”

When Marcus didn't respond, Esca continued, “why are you suddenly doing this? Is it that guy?”

“No.”

“Did he say you should cut it?”

“No.”

“Because if he did he's a twat.” Esca knew his voice was rising, and people at a nearby table were glancing over, but he didn't care. “You shouldn't have to change to please someone else.”

“He didn't,” Marcus said, his voice still low, “I just want to do it.”

“So go to a salon then.”

Marcus leaned back in his seat. “Forget it.”

 

They sat in silence until their food arrived, and they both began to eat without acknowledging each other. Esca watched Marcus shovel down his fries and then pick at his burger, and Esca slowly picked at his own plate.

“How's yours?” he finally asked.

“Good.”

“So's mine.”

Marcus glanced up at him through the mess of black hair, and Esca felt a pang of guilt.

“Fine, if you really want it done, I'll cut it for you.”

*

He tossed Marcus a towel, and pointed to his computer chair. “Sit there.”

Esca shuffled through a drawer, looking for the scissors he used on his own hair. They were cheap haircutting scissors from a dollar shop, and he hoped they wouldn't hack up Marcus's hair.

“You should brush it,” Esca said when he found them, tossing Marcus a brush and then using his shirt to wipe off the scissors.

Esca stood and watched as Marcus brushed his hair quickly, leaving it very straight and sleek looking. It was obvious he must've washed it that morning.

Esca stepped closer, pulling the towel tighter around Marcus's neck and shoulders. “So how short?”

“I don't know,” Marcus said, peering up through his hair. He raised his hand, trailing his fingers along the side of his face. “Maybe here? Enough so I can see.”

“Okay,” Esca replied, suddenly nervous. “I'll try.”

It took him a minute or two to make the first cut, turning Marcus in the chair so he could examine the back of his head and try to figure out where he should start. Esca finally took a tiny snip off the back, then another, then another, running his fingers through Marcus's hair each time as he tried to keep it all somewhat even.

“You know, you're going to lose all your goth cred for this,” Esca teased as he cut off enough to see the back of Marcus's neck. The skin was darker there too, a strange contrast against the white makeup that faded just below his jawline.

“I don't have any goth cred anyway,” Marcus mumbled from beneath his hair.

“Pfft, I know a bunch of frightened looking people on campus who would beg to differ.”

Esca turned Marcus to the side, taking a few experimental cuts before chopping off enough to uncover his ear. He turned him again, trying to repeat his cuts on the opposite side, and then turned Marcus to face him. Hair still hung in Marcus's face, but his ears were uncovered and Esca couldn't help but laugh. “I never noticed your ears before.”

“What about them?”

“They're like mine. Like a car driving down the street with the doors open.”

Marcus burst out laughing. “Thanks.”

Esca smiled as ran his fingers through Marcus's hair. “I make no promises about this,” he warned.

“The rest looks okay, right?”

“Yeah, but I left the front until now because it's the hardest bit.” Esca trailed his fingers through the black hair again, slightly scared to take his scissors to it. “And if I fucked up the back at least the front would still be okay.”

“And then what?” Marcus laughed uneasily. “We'd just leave it?”

“Well, I'd take you to the barber or something. I mean, I suggested a salon before and you refused.”

“Esca,” Marcus said from beneath his hair, “I trust you. Just cut it.”

“Fine,” Esca sighed. He looked over Marcus's hair one last time, and then bumped Marcus's knee with his own. “Just move a little, I need in closer.”

Marcus spread his legs apart and Esca stepped in between them, holding a strand of Marcus's hair and taking an experimental cut. He went half an inch at a time, revealing more and more of Marcus's face as he went. He tried to ignore each time his knuckles brushed Marcus's cheek, and he grew nervous as he reached Marcus's eye-line.

“Close your eyes.”

Marcus did as he was asked, and Esca continued cutting. He was careful as he snipped off enough to reveal Marcus's eyes, then a bit around his eyebrows, and then Esca took a second to look at him. Marcus's eyes were still closed, and he was waiting, trusting that Esca wouldn't fuck it up.

“Okay, open.”

Esca tried to mask his surprise when Marcus obeyed and pretty hazel eyes were suddenly staring up at him. He'd been close to Marcus before, countless times, but somehow he'd never realized his eyes were hazel. “Damn.”

“What?” Marcus asked worriedly.

“No, nothing,” Esca turned his attention back to Marcus's hair, taking a few final cuts as he tried to make it a little messy looking, instead of a straight line across Marcus's forehead. “You just look different.”

“Good or bad?”

Esca gave him a soft punch in the shoulder. “Good, of course. Go look.”

Marcus stood, keeping the towel around his shoulders as he walked over to the mirror. He bent in close, running his fingers through his hair and looking at himself in mild surprise.

Esca stood behind him, watching. “Is it alright?”

“Yeah,” Marcus smiled at him in the mirror. “I can see again.”

“Your uncle's gonna piss himself when he sees it,” Esca said. “You have to take a photo so I can see his face.”

Marcus turned to him. “What, at Christmas?”

“Yeah.”

“Aren't you coming with me?”

“I--” Esca hesitated, suddenly unnerved with Marcus staring straight at him, no longer hiding beneath all that hair. “I thought I'd stay here.”

“Why?”

Esca shrugged. “I dunno, I just thought with you dating someone, and your uncle thinking we're together, and all that. It might be weird.”

“I went on one date, I'm not _dating_ someone.”

“Yeah, but--”

“Esca, if you're not coming to my uncle's then I'm not going either. I'll stay here with you.”

“That's stupid.”

“You're being stupid. I'm not letting you spend the holidays alone.”

They glared at each other, neither one wanting to back down.

“Fine,” Esca finally sighed, turning away and shoving the scissors in his desk drawer. “I'll go.”

“Good,” Marcus muttered.

*

Marcus's uncle greeted them wearing a gaudy red sweater with a reindeer on the front, shouting a welcome, hugging them both, and asking Esca to introduce the stranger he'd brought with him.

They had a hearty dinner, with lots of chatting and laughter, and when they went to bed that night Esca suggested he should sleep in a guest bedroom, and Marcus didn't argue. Esca wasn't sure if Marcus was just content that he'd had agreed to come, or if it was awkward for him too – having Esca in his bed when he was dating someone else.

Esca hadn't asked about the second date.

He made a point of staying home, the hangover from the first date night still fresh in his mind, and he wanted to ask so badly, to find out how it went. He'd waited for Marcus to text him, and then waited for Marcus to mention something, but Marcus didn't, so Esca didn't either. It was almost as if they were trying to wait each other out – Marcus waiting to be asked, and Esca not wanting to ask.

Despite wanting to know, Esca didn't really want to hear about the date. If Marcus had fun, or actually liked the guy, Esca didn't want to hear it. The only element he was really curious about was whether or not there would be a third date, and Marcus wasn't saying.

So Esca slept in the guest bedroom.

It was a nice room – the décor was perfect, the bed was huge, the covers were luxurious, and he even had his own bathroom with a steam shower. It was all very swank and inviting.

But it wasn't Marcus's room.

Esca stayed in the guest room for three nights. The days were spent lounging around the music room, and sitting by the Christmas tree, and complaining that there wasn't enough snow to go sledding or even build a snow man. Esca went swimming again, but couldn't manage to convince Marcus to join him, and they'd gone to see the lambs, and Esca had been amazed at how quickly they'd grown.

And each night he'd leave Marcus at his bedroom door and wander off to the guest bedroom, climb into a big empty bed, and wish that Marcus was there with him. During the day Esca could pretend it didn't matter, it was just fun and comfortable, the same as it always was. But at night he wished Marcus would ask him to stay, to put up a fight again, and insist that Esca stay with him in his room. But Marcus didn't.

So Esca stayed in the guest bedroom until the fourth night, Christmas eve, when he found himself feeling particularly lonely and missing Marcus next to him, and after an hour of tossing and turning he'd padded down the hall in a t-shirt and flannel pants and knocked on Marcus's door.

“You awake?”

He could hear Marcus fumbling in the darkness and when he replied his voice was hoarse with sleep.

“Yeah, you okay?”

“I'm alright,” Esca said quietly, moving closer, not wanting to tell Marcus he was lonely. “Want company?”

“Yeah.”

Esca walked through the darkness, not needing the light to find Marcus's bed, and he could hear Marcus shifting, making room for him. The bed was warm where Marcus had been lying, and Esca climbed under the covers, smiling when Marcus pushed a pillow under his head.

“So, Christmas eve, yeah?” Esca whispered, not knowing what else to say. He wanted to ask Marcus a million things, like what happened to his parents, and why weren't they there, and if he had any family other than his uncle, and if he got lonely during the holidays too. But Esca hated answering those questions himself, so it wasn't really fair to push them on Marcus.

Marcus chuckled in the darkness. “When I was a kid I could never sleep on Christmas eve. I'd be too excited about all the toys I was going to get.”

“Same. I'd sleep with my head near the foot of my bed, so I could keep an eye on my stocking and watch for Father Christmas. Had this big plan I'd knock him out and take his sack of toys.”

Marcus burst out laughing. “Are you serious?”

“Absolutely,” Esca grinned. “I was a tiny thing, but scrappy. I never managed to stay awake, but I imagine I would've given my dad a good whack if I had.”

“Oh man,” Marcus sighed as his laughter died down. “I wish I'd known you as a kid.”

“I was pretty much the same as I am now, minus a few feet.”

“Less mouthy?”

It was Esca's turn to laugh. “A bit, not much.”

“You probably would've hated me.” Marcus's voice was tinged with amusement, but Esca could sense something else there, as if Marcus was being serious.

“What? Why?”

“I was quiet. Introverted.”

“Oh, so completely different than you are now?”

“I'm not quiet around _you_. But I probably would've been then. You would've hated me.”

“Nah, doubt that.” Esca paused. “If you were anything like you are now, I'd have liked you.”

Marcus was quiet, and Esca wondered if he'd said too much. 

“We're forgetting an important question though,” Esca continued, trying to ease the awkwardness. “Did you wear the Casper makeup back then?”

“Shut up,” Marcus laughed, jabbing his knuckles into Esca's side.

“It's a valid question, and one that needs answering, I think,” Esca laughed as he shifted away from Marcus's hand. “Ow, fucking hell. I'm smaller than you, remember?”

“Right, right,” Marcus squeezed Esca's arm in apology, “sorry.”

They lay quiet for a moment, Esca replaying all the questions he had in his mind until he settled on one. It was an easier one –but something they'd never discussed– and with Marcus's new haircut, Esca wanted to know the answer.

“Can I ask you something?” he said carefully.

“Sure,” Marcus replied, and maybe it was the darkness that made him eager, but his openness took Esca by surprise. “Anything.”

“What happened –” Esca began, pausing for a second as he reconsidered. “I mean –” He shifted onto his side, facing Marcus, and took a breath before he continued. “Why do you hide behind the makeup?”

 

“It's stupid.”

It had taken Marcus over a minute to say that much. Esca could feel Marcus tense when he asked the question, and the drawn out silence almost left Esca wishing he hadn't asked. They'd done well up until that point, accepting each other as they were and avoiding the personal questions.

“You don't have to tell me ,” Esca said carefully, wishing he could see Marcus's face in the darkness. “I shouldn't have asked.”

Marcus was quiet, which Esca took as an indication that the conversation was over.

“So tomorr – ” Esca began, aiming to change the subject, but suddenly Marcus was speaking again.

“I took a lot of shit. I mean,” Marcus paused, and Esca remained quiet, riveted by what Marcus might say next. “I had to switch schools after my parents.. you know..”

There was a longer pause, and Esca wasn't sure if he was meant to fill in the blanks. “..died?”

“Yeah.”

Marcus sighed then, giving his head a quick shake, almost as if he was still surprised to say it.

“Mine too,” Esca offered.

Marcus nodded in the darkness. “I wondered about that.”

The admission stunned Esca for a moment. It hadn't occurred to him that Marcus might have just as many questions about him as he had about Marcus.

“So you switched schools,” Esca said, wanting to get the focus back on Marcus for a moment.

“Yeah, and I'm quiet so I didn't really make friends. I joined the football team, tried to be normal. A few of the guys teased me, called me pretty boy. Or mama's boy.”

“Did they know? About your parents, I mean?”

“Not then, I didn't tell anyone.” Marcus shifted onto his side, facing Esca. “They thought I was just some new rich kid in town. Didn't help that I lived here.”

“So then..”

“Eventually they figured out I was.. that I like guys.” Marcus let out a frustrated sound. “I guess they decided to set me up. One of them asked me out, said it was a big secret. I was just happy someone was being friendly to me, and I was stupid enough to say yes.”

Marcus paused again, the wait leaving Esca feeling sick as he tried to anticipate what might come next in Marcus's story.

“It was a joke. The guy never showed. They stood outside and took pictures of me in the restaurant, with a stupid dress shirt on, waiting for that asshole. There was a party a couple nights later. They passed around the pictures and everyone laughed about it.”

“Everyone?”

“Nah, it was probably just them,” Marcus admitted. “But it felt like everyone. They said, 'run home to your mama, pretty boy. Football players aren't fags.'”

Esca could feel rage building in his gut at the idea that someone would be intentionally cruel to Marcus. “That's so unbelievably fucked up.”

“Now it just seems surreal,” Marcus huffed. “Like some teen movie. But at the time it fucking sucked. So I dyed my hair. Just wanted to look different. I was friends with a goth guy at my old school, and it always looked kinda cool, so I tried it. I couldn't make myself not-gay, but I could change the way I looked.”

“Marcus,” Esca tried to keep the pity from his voice, but he knew his tone was unmistakable.

He could see the silhouette of Marcus's shoulder as he shrugged, and Esca moved forward and wrapped an arm around him. It killed him to think Marcus was hiding because of some shitty thing someone had done to him. He rested his chin against Marcus's shoulder, holding onto him until Marcus finally eased and settled against him.

“Fucking hell,” Esca whispered, and Marcus tucked his face against Esca's neck.

“It's fine,” Marcus mumbled. “It's stupid.”

“You shouldn't have to hide yourself,” Esca was rambling, “you're brilliant. Who cares what a bunch of pricks from high school have to say about it? Self-loathing arseholes.”

He could feel laughter rumbling up from Marcus, and he smiled against Marcus's shoulder.

“You're fucking great.”

“You are too,” Marcus muttered against Esca's neck, his breath warm over Esca's skin, and Esca hated himself for the burn that was building low in his gut.

Esca waited another moment, holding Marcus against him, and then gave him an awkward pat on the back. “It's getting late, I should go back to my room.”

“No,” Marcus breathed, “I want you to stay.”

“Yeah?”

“If you want.”

“Of course, yeah.” Esca cuddled up closer to Marcus. “Like this?”

Marcus just hummed against him, so Esca risked tucking his face into Marcus's neck, leaving them curled against each other. They'd cuddled before, always with a joking air, but it was the first time Esca had been so close to Marcus's neck. Despite the darkness, he could picture Marcus's freckles peeking out from his collar, and had to resist the urge to lick along Marcus's skin.

“Christmas tomorrow,” he said, attempting to distract himself from their close proximity.

“Yeah.”

“I didn't get you anything.”

Marcus laughed against him, his breath feeling good and warm on Esca's skin. “Thought we agreed on that.”

“We did,” Esca smiled. “Just reminding you.”

After he'd agreed to spend Christmas with Marcus they'd made a deal saying neither one would buy gifts for the other. Esca knew it was likely because he didn't have a lot of money to spare, a fact Marcus was aware of but never mentioned.

“I think my uncle got you something though.”

Esca froze. “Are you serious?”

“Don't worry. It's probably something weird, like matching sweaters for us.”

“Well you _are_ my boyfriend, so we should have matching sweaters.”

“Fiancé,” Marcus chuckled. “Venice, remember?”

Esca laughed against Marcus's neck, feeling happy, and he hated himself for the words that escaped his mouth next. “What about your real boyfriend?”

Marcus stilled against him. “What?”

“The bio guy,” Esca mumbled against Marcus's skin, suddenly glad for the darkness of the room. “You guys going on a third date?”

Marcus shifted, and Esca could feel the uneasiness in him. “I don't know.”

Esca wanted to ask why, trying to ignore the small sense of hope that came over him, but he'd already caused Marcus enough unease, so he remained silent. Marcus didn't offer anything else, so they stayed curled together until the night grew deep and dark and quiet, and before Esca knew it morning had arrived and Marcus was moving away from him and climbing out of bed.

*

“My uncle always insists on breakfast first.” Marcus yawned, stretching his arms over head, and Esca tried to ignore the flash of skin at his waist. “Then gifts.”

Esca remembered the conversation from the night before, and wanted to kick himself for not thinking to bring a gift for Marcus's uncle. “Is he going to be insulted that I didn't bring him anything?”

“Nah, I got him something, so I'll just put your name on the tag with mine.”

Esca laughed. “That won't help convince him that we're not together.”

Marcus shrugged his shoulders, turning toward the bathroom. “Let him think what he wants. He's going to do it anyway.”

“Hey,” Esca jumped out of bed, catching Marcus's wrist before he disappeared through the door. “You okay?”

“I'm good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yup.”

Esca looked at him carefully, not letting go of Marcus's wrist as he tried to figure out if Marcus was really okay, or if he was just telling Esca what he wanted to hear. “I don't care, you know. So you don't have to be embarrassed or whatever.”

“I'm not.”

“Well, if you were. I'm just saying, I'm glad you told me.”

Marcus seemed to consider him for a moment and then reached out to rub his thumb along Esca's neck.

Esca let out an audible gasp. “What – ”

“You've got white..” Marcus explained “..there.”

“Oh,” Esca breathed as Marcus pulled his hand away. It took him a second to say something more, the feeling of Marcus's fingers still on his skin. “You know, we wouldn't have that problem if you'd just..” Esca trailed off, smiling. “It'd make it much easier to give you a cuddle.”

“Oh yeah?” Marcus ducked his head, averting his gaze. “You have big cuddle plans for us?”

“You know I love to cuddle. I'll force you, tie your wrist to mine or something.”

Marcus laughed, glancing at his wrist where Esca was still holding tight.

“Really, though,” Esca continued, easing his grip as he tried to call Marcus's gaze back up to meet his own, “I'm not them, Marcus. I don't – I mean, you're my best friend, so you don't have to hide from me. But if you want to, that's alright too.”

“Okay,” Marcus said quietly. “I'll have to.. I'll think about it..”

“Okay. Look, I'm gonna go shower. Meet you back here in half an hour? I don't really want to venture downstairs without you.”

“Yeah, thirty minutes,” Marcus sounded relieved. “I'll protect you.”

Esca grinned. “That's a good boyfriend.”

*

Esca couldn't deny that part of him had been hoping he'd return in thirty minutes to find Marcus smiling, makeup-free, with his freckles on display and the entire situation wrapped up in a perfect little bow.

The other part of him knew that wouldn't be the case, so he wasn't surprised when he found Marcus sitting on his bed, white-faced, his eyes rimmed in black.

There was something Esca couldn't have predicted though. Along with his usual makeup and black jeans, Marcus was wearing a red t-shirt.

“Festive!” Esca blurted when he caught sight of him.

Marcus glanced up, frowning. “Is it weird?”

“No, you look _awesome_ ,” Esca stressed. “Very Christmas-y. Your uncle will love it.”

“It'll go with my stupid sweater.”

“Hey now, don't call our matching sweaters stupid.”

“You joke now, but you just wait.”

Esca gave him a horrified look. “Will we really get them?”

“I don't know,” Marcus shrugged, shooting Esca a wink. “But I wouldn't put it past him. Did you see what he was wearing when we got here?”

“I thought he was being ironic.”

Marcus laughed. “Nope!”

*

They didn't receive matching sweaters.

Marcus received money, and a copy of his favorite record from his uncle's collection of LPs, and a key which was supposed to symbolize the car Marcus would receive when he returned home for the summer – one that his uncle guaranteed would _not_ be a caddy or anything resembling a boat.

Esca was surprised to receive gift cards and a stocking full of candy canes and chocolates, and a stack of books – which Esca assumed stemmed from his interest in Marcus's uncle's library. Some were old, the pages worn and dog-eared, and Esca was busy flipping through one of them when Marcus tossed a small gift-wrapped package on his lap.

Esca glanced up to find the two of them alone, Marcus's uncle having disappeared into the kitchen.

“What's this?”

“Open it.”

“Who's it from?”

“Me.”

“Marcus, we weren't – ”

“ _Just open it_.”

Esca narrowed his eyes at Marcus before carefully easing off the tape and peeling back the paper. A bar of chocolate tumbled out, with a small USB flash drive taped to the top. It was out of its packaging, so Esca assumed it had been used before.

He glanced up at Marcus. “What's on it?”

“Music.”

“So, like a mixed tape?”

“Yeah.”

Esca grinned. “That's brilliant.” He turned the flash drive over in his hand and then turned his attention to the chocolate bar.

“I needed something to weigh it down,” Marcus replied before Esca was able to ask the question. “No special meaning behind the chocolate.”

“Alright,” Esca said, nodding. “Thanks, Marcus.” He gripped the flash drive tight in his fist. “But, I feel bad..”

“ _Don't_. I was making that for you anyway, so you can pretend it's not a Christmas gift if you want.”

“Still, I'm going to get you something. I would've anyway, but you said we shouldn't..”

“Esca, you don't have to.”

“But I _want_ to,” Esca stressed, looking down at the flash drive again. “Because this is awesome.”

Esca didn't mention that he'd been secretly disappointed when Marcus suggested that they not buy for each other, because he wanted to give Marcus something, or that it had been a long while since he'd received a Christmas gift from anyone.

He wanted to climb across the couch and wrap his arms around Marcus, but he didn't mention that either.

“This is awesome,” he said instead, repeating himself. “I mean it. Thank you.”

*

“It's snowing.”

Esca jumped up from the couch to join Marcus at the window. “Is it?”

“Not much, but yeah.”

“Enough for a snowball fight?”

Marcus shot him a wicked grin. “Maybe.”

 

They'd been lounging around since the gift opening, watching Christmas cartoons and lamenting the lack of snow. Esca had kept one hand in his pocket all afternoon, his fingers clenched around the flash drive as if he was afraid it would disappear. He'd considered going in search of a computer so he could listen to the mix Marcus had made for him, curious to see if he'd be able to read some sort of meaning behind each track, or if it was just a random collection of songs.

He could've simply asked Marcus but he didn't want to make things awkward if he was looking for something that wasn't there, so he decided to wait until he was back at school to give it a listen. Alone in the privacy of his own room, he could figure it out for himself and take whatever disappointment might come.

 

“You take cover there,” Marcus said, pointing to a bush, “and I'll go over here. Thirty seconds to pack as many balls as you can and then we attack, okay?”

Esca nodded, taking cover, and he began packing his snowballs before Marcus had even started the count.

“I'll count down!” Marcus called, and Esca could hear him counting down from thirty. The second he reached one, Marcus was launching snowballs in Esca's direction. Esca fought back, firing snowball after snowball until his stockpile was depleted, and to his dismay Marcus's shots kept coming. With Marcus being a former football player, Esca should've realized Marcus would be good at snowball fights. But he'd underestimated the strength of Marcus's throw until a ball of firmly packed snow whacked Esca in the side of his head.

He fell to his stomach, one arm flailing while the other clutched his temple. “Fucking Christ!”

“That's some pretty foul language to be using on Christmas Day!” Marcus shouted as he tossed another snowball in Esca's direction. It hit him in the shoulder, exploding on impact and sending bits of snow down the collar of his coat.

“Fuck off!” Esca laughed, raising his arm in defeat. “I'm done, I'm done.”

“We just started.” Marcus stood, leaving his cover, and slowly approached Esca. “Are you seriously quitting?”

“Yes.” Esca shifted, attempting to covertly pack another snowball. “I'm done.”

Marcus took a step back. “You're lying.”

“I'm not.”

“I can see you packing one.” Marcus seemed to hesitate, taking another step back as he eyed Esca's position on the ground.

“I'm not,” Esca laughed, trying to ease himself up onto his elbow so he could take a proper shot.

“Cheater!” Marcus shouted, tackling Esca and effectively blocking the shot while pinning him to the cold ground. “Too bad you're so slow at it.” He was laughing as he held down Esca's arms and gave the right one a good shake until the snowball rolled out of Esca's hand.

“I'm not cheating!” Esca shook his head back and forth, laughing as the weight of Marcus held him down. “Sorry, sorry, let's try again.”

“No way.” Marcus grinned down at him. “I would've given you thirty more seconds to regroup, but now you're stuck here. You lose.”

Esca glanced up, finding he didn't really mind their current position, but the ground was freezing beneath him so he bucked his hips up into Marcus's, “g'er'off.”

“What's that?” Marcus's breath fell warm on Esca's face as he spoke. “Get off?”

“I'm freezing my arse off.” Esca laughed, feigning a struggle against Marcus's grip. “And I'm probably all muddy now. Let me up.”

“Fine,” Marcus eased off, standing. “But you still lose.”

As Marcus was reaching to help him off the ground, Esca scrambled for a handful of snow then reared up quickly, smearing the snow across Marcus's cheek. “Now we're even.”

“Cheater!” Marcus laughed, shoving Esca away while wiping the snow from his face with the sleeve of his coat. “That doesn't make it even!”

“Does too. I'm just – ” Esca started, freezing when he realized Marcus had wiped his cheek clean. The skin underneath was rosy from the cold, and Esca couldn't help but stare at the unexpected glimpse of bare skin.

“Just what?”

“Making up for my height,” Esca said, forcing himself to look away. “I'm small, you're – ” He waved a hand at Marcus, gesturing from his feet to his head. “A giant, _and_ you're a football player. I'd lost before we started.”

“That's a piss poor attitude.” Marcus gave Esca another playful shove. “Pretty sure you could've beat me if you'd had a better strategy.”

“Yeah, well, let's discuss it inside,” Esca grinned. “I think we agreed the winner had to make hot chocolate for the loser.”

“We never agreed on that.”

“Pretty sure we did though.”

*

“With marshmallows or without?”

“With, of course. Always with.”

They managed to sneak away to one of the smaller kitchens, aiming to avoid the bustle of the Christmas meal being prepared in the main kitchen. Esca sat on a stool and watched Marcus boil milk on the stove and pour heaping spoonfuls of hot chocolate mix into two over-sized mugs.

Marcus slid a ceramic container across the counter, aiming it in Esca's direction. “Add as many as you want.”

Esca opened the container, grabbing a handful of mini marshmallows and shoving them in his mouth. “Back to campus tomorrow, yeah?” he attempted to say, his voice muffled by the marshmallows.

“Yeah.”

“You excited for the new term to start?”

“I guess.” Marcus flicked off the burner and carried a small pot of steaming milk over to the awaiting mugs. “We won't have chem together anymore though.”

“Too right!” Esca shouted, pumping his fist. “You helped me pass 101 and now I never have to take chem again.”

Marcus frowned, causing Esca to pause in his celebration.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Marcus shrugged, carrying the pot to the sink. “It just kinda sucks that we won't have class together anymore.”

“Yeah, true, but we see each other all the time anyway.”

“Yeah.”

“Don't look so sad. You think I'm only friends with you because you're my chem partner?”

Marcus shot him the middle finger. “No.”

“That's it, term's over, we're done,” Esca teased. “I'm moving onto bigger and better lab partners.”

“You're not taking any science courses.”

“Sorry, discussion group partners then.”

“Shut up,” Marcus laughed, but his frown remained as he stared down at his hot chocolate. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know. So take a history course with me then.”

Marcus scrunched up his nose. “No thanks.”

“Well, you'll just have to keep showing up at my door then.”

“I will, you know.”

“I know.”

When Marcus didn't respond, Esca started rambling, trying to catch his eye.

“I never thought– Why would you think–? _Hey_ ,” he stressed, “look at me.”

He waited for Marcus to glance up at him before he continued.

“I just assumed that you would. I don't want you to stop that.”

“Okay good,” Marcus said firmly, “because I won't.”

Esca laughed. “Good then.”

 

Marcus went back to blowing on his hot chocolate, and Esca couldn't help but stare at him in amused confusion. “Where did that come from?”

“What?”

“ _That_ ” Esca said, “freaking about chem being over, and thinking that I wouldn't want you to come over.”

“I wasn't freaking.”

“Worrying then.”

“I just didn't know if you'd want to keep hanging out.”

“Fucking hell, Marcus. Do you even know me?” Esca bit his tongue to keep himself from saying everything he wanted to say – that he wanted Marcus around all the time, and he was jealous of the mysterious guy Marcus was seeing, and that he was pretty damn sure he'd fallen in love with his best friend and it was killing him that Marcus didn't feel the same. “You could show up at my door every single day and I'd still want to hang out.” Esca settled on that, figuring it was the least revealing of all the things he wanted to say.

A slow smile was building on Marcus's face. “Yeah?”

“ _Of course_.” Esca tossed a handful of marshmallows at Marcus's head. “Now drink your hot chocolate and stop worrying.”

*

That night, Esca dreamed he was in history class. Marcus was there, doing a presentation on proper snowball fighting procedures, and in the middle of the lecture Marcus tossed a snowball in Esca's direction and hit him square in the face. The snow wasn't cold, and when Esca tried to wipe it away he found it wouldn't come off. He wiped at his face, scrubbing and scrubbing until his skin was raw, and when he looked to Marcus for help, Marcus just smiled and asked him if he'd like a mug of hot chocolate.

“Esca.”

“I don't want any.”

“Esca.”

“Help me get this off.”

“Esca, wake up.”

“Marcus?” Esca opened his eyes and managed to make out Marcus's familiar silhouette in the darkness of the room.

Esca had decided to return to the guest bedroom for their last night in the mansion. Christmas Eve had left him lonely and wanting to be near Marcus, and although he wanted to stay in Marcus's room on their last night as well, he couldn't think of a proper excuse to keep himself there, and Marcus hadn't offered.

So finding Marcus in the guest bedroom, trying to wake Esca from a sound sleep, caused Esca to sit up in panic. “Is everything alright?

“Yeah, sorry, don't worry.

“What're you doing?”

Marcus had been leaning over him, but he moved back slightly, unsure. “I don't know.” 

“Get in here.” Esca shifted to make room in the over-sized bed.

Marcus slid in beside Esca, curling up on his side, being careful not to impede on Esca's space.

“Don't know what you think you're doing,” Esca said, moving closer. “You can't just crawl in my bed and think I won't force you to cuddle.”

Marcus chuckled as Esca moved closer. He pushed Marcus onto his back and swung an arm across his stomach, resting his cheek against Marcus's chest.

“You should know me by now.”

Marcus laughed against him, and Esca let out a contented sigh. Marcus was big and warm, and Esca enjoyed the slight swell of his stomach each time he took a breath. Esca would've been happy to stay that way indefinitely, assuming they'd just fall asleep together, and was surprised when Marcus spoke.

“Were the gifts from my uncle okay?”

“Yeah! they were brilliant! I wasn't expecting anything, so it was an amazing surprise.”

“He loves the fact that you like books. I'm pretty sure he'll slowly gift his entire library to you if you let him.”

“There'd be no complaints here. I'd love that.”

“And the mix?”

Esca laughed, smacking his hand against Marcus's shirt. “Are you seriously asking? I think you know the answer to that one.”

“Yeah, but I don't mind hearing it again.”

“It was awesome. Best gift I've received in...”

Esca tried to remember the last time he received something he really loved. It was likely something from his mum, but he couldn't remember. Her death had been so sudden and unexpected that he hadn't thought to take note of all those little things. All the things that didn't seem to matter at the time, because he assumed they'd always be there, and then when tragedy struck he was left grasping for memories, trying to recall all those little moments.

“Years,” Esca managed to say, fighting against the lump in his throat. “I'm anxious to give it a listen.”

Marcus slipped his arm across Esca's back and gave him a gentle squeeze.

“So, a new car, yeah?” Esca said, aiming to lighten the mood.

“Probably used, but it'll be new to me.”

“He won't get you a new one?”

“According to my uncle, our generation expects everything to be handed to us. He says we should have to work for the things we want. So if I finish a year of college, he'll give me a used car to drive around for the summer.”

“He's got a valid point.”

“Yeah, and I never asked for a car anyway, so it's awesome.”

Esca nodded against Marcus's side. “What're you going to do for the summer?”

Marcus was quiet for a moment. “I don't know, I hadn't thought about it.”

“Leaving me on campus by myself probably.”

“You're staying on campus?”

“Haven't got anywhere else to go. I figure I'll take summer classes.”

“You should come here.”

“Ha!” Esca laughed loudly. “Your uncle would lose his mind. And there's no way he'd believe we weren't together then.”

“He'd love it if you stayed. I'm starting to think he prefers you over me anyway.”

“He doesn't. He dotes on you, you just don't see it.”

“Maybe.”

Esca lifted himself up onto his elbow, staring down at Marcus in the darkness. “Why do you do that?”

“What?”

“Assume people don't like you.”

He felt Marcus shrug against him.

“Because it's not true, you know. I told you last night, I think you're fucking great. Your uncle does too.”

“I know.”

“And that guy you're seeing probably thinks so too.” Anger was beginning to rise within Esca. “You know you're brilliant, so you should stop acting like you're not.”

“Sorry.”

“Don't apologize for it, just stop doing it.”

“Alright, sorry.”

“You want to know how fucking great you are?”

Esca knew he was about to say things he'd regret, but he couldn't stop himself. He was tired of Marcus looking down on himself when Esca viewed him so highly.

“You really want to know? You're the greatest friend I've ever had. You're smart and funny and so bloody kind it's unbelievable. I mean, the lambs? Seeing you with those tiny little lambs, Marcus? It made my heart want to break in two. And that bloke you're dating? I'm so jealous of that guy I can't even see straight. He gets to take you out and make you laugh and kiss you and do whatever else, and I fucking don't, and I hate that guy for that. I've never even met him and I despise him.”

“Esca – ”

“And I know you don't want to date _me_ , I get that, so I apologize for making everything awkward, but I'm sick of you hating yourself when I think you're bloody fantastic.”

“Esca – ”

“So I'm sorry, and I'm sorry that I want to kiss you all the time. Every single time I'm near you. Right now, I should be being a good friend, but I really just want to kiss you.”

“Esca,” Marcus repeated, and Esca finally paused long enough to notice the longing in his voice. He tugged at Esca's shoulders, trying to pull him closer. “I want you to kiss me.”

“God, Marcus, I will.” Esca rose to his knees, quickly moving up the bed until he was over Marcus and could feel his breath coming in quick nervous pants. “Of course I will.”

Esca managed to catch Marcus's mouth in the darkness, and Marcus fumbled against him, his lips soft and eager against Esca's.

It was simple, and a little bit awkward, and a little bit perfect.

Esca smiled as he pulled away. “Why didn't you say so before?”

Marcus laughed quietly. “Why didn't you?”

“I didn't think you wanted – ” Esca paused, because it didn't matter right then. “Never mind.”

“Was it okay?”

Esca searched Marcus's face in the darkness, trying to read his expression. “Yeah it was okay, it was more than okay.”

“I've just never..”

“Never?”

“No.”

The lump returned to Esca's throat. “That bit about my heart breaking in two?”

“Yeah?”

“Happening again right now.”

He leaned in before Marcus could speak, kissing him gently, sliding his tongue against Marcus's lips until Marcus opened for him. When Marcus's tongue finally curled around his, Esca couldn't help the broken little sob he let out against Marcus's mouth. He would've loved to thrust against Marcus, to rut and stroke and rub against each other until they both got off, but the moment didn't seem right for that. Not there, in that unfamiliar bed.

So Esca kissed Marcus instead, licking against his mouth until they were both panting and grasping for each other, then he eased off and let himself fall against Marcus's chest.

“Sleep now?”

“Yes,” Marcus panted, wrapping both arms around Esca.

“When we're back at school,” Esca said, letting the implication hang in the air.

Marcus nodded and shuddered beneath him.

*

Esca woke to find Marcus watching him in the soft light of the room. Marcus seemed surprised when Esca opened his eyes, as if he'd been caught off guard, and he glanced away shyly before looking back.

“Hey,” Esca said softly, “how are you?”

“Good.”

The moment seemed to drag on, both of them watching the other, neither one quite sure what to make of the previous night's events. It had been easier the night before, whispering to each other in the dark, unable to see or be seen. They could hide in the dark, and say things they wouldn't normally say in the daylight.

“I kissed you,” Esca finally said, not wishing to hide it away any longer.

Marcus nodded.

“I wanted to for a long time”

“Me too.”

Esca reached out, touching Marcus's chin, rubbing his thumb along his jaw and up to where a shy smile was growing on Marcus's lips. He thumbed the corner of Marcus's mouth, feeling the soft breath escaping him. His skin was still pale from the makeup, except for the area around his mouth which had been worn away from their kissing the night before. Marcus's lips looked darker than normal, more pink, and when his tongue jutted out for a second to wet them, Esca had to resist the urge to kiss him again.

“Do you want to –?” Esca began, trying to be slow with him.

“Yes.” Marcus moved forward, catching Esca's lips with his own.

His movements were eager, tugging the hem of Esca's shirt as he pressed his mouth to Esca's and licked shyly at his lips. But Marcus didn't go further than that, pulling away before things got too heated.

“I cut my hair for you.” Marcus's voice was soft, more timid than Esca had ever heard it.

“Why?”

“I thought if I changed it, if I looked better–”

“If you _looked better_?”

“I thought it might make you want me.”

“Marcus, I wanted you long before you cut your hair.”

A look of surprise fell across Marcus's face. “You never told me.”

“How could I? I got the impression you weren't interested.”

“Why?”

“Well you were dating that guy, for one.

“We went out twice in the last month, we weren't _dating_.”

“Still, he wasn't me. So I figured you didn't want me.”

“Esca,” Marcus laughed, “I only tried seeing other people because I thought if I found someone else I'd stop wanting you.”

“No, no, no,” Esca shifted up onto his elbow, staring down at Marcus, “You didn't want me.”

“I did so.”

“I distinctly remember the first time we came here. I said _do you want to pretend we're together_ and you said _no way_ as if it was the worst idea you'd ever heard.”

“Yeah, I didn't want to _pretend_ ,” Marcus stressed, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “After those dicks from high school, and then I wanted..” he gestured between them, “this, and it would've killed me to fake it and then go back to campus and have it not be real.”

“Christ,” Esca sighed, pressing his face against Marcus's neck. “I'm a fucking idiot.”

Marcus laughed above him. “We both are, apparently.”

Esca joined his laughter and shook his head.

 

They were quiet for several minutes, just enjoying the closeness, before Esca spoke again.

“So how long..?” he said carefully, asking the question he'd been wanting to ask since the night before.

“October was when I started to realize,” Marcus said, “And then Halloween...”

Esca pulled away to look at Marcus. “When I was drunk!?”

“That, and when you made me wear your clothes and they smelled like you.”

“Yeah?”

“And I saw your tattoos for the first time.”

“You like those?”

Marcus nodded bashfully. “So what about you?” he asked, as if to take the attention away from himself.

Esca considered the question for a moment. “I realized it at Thanksgiving, but I think it started a long while before that.”

“When?”

Esca wasn't a shy person, but he had to look away for a moment. “When I noticed your freckles.”

“That day in your room?”

“Yeah.”

“Esca, that was ages ago.”

“I told you. That, and the worms, and the lambs, and you taking care of me all the time.”

“Worms?” Marcus laughed, staring at him as if he was mad. “I have no idea what that means, but the rest– I didn't know.”

“Not even at Thanksgiving?”

Marcus shook his head. “I hoped, but no.”

“I challenged you to wrestle!”

“I just thought you were high and acting tough.”

“Wrestling, Marcus,” Esca laughed, “fucking wrestling!”

“I didn't know!” Marcus grinned.

“God,” Esca sighed, leaning into Marcus again. “I just wanted you to touch me.”

There was a beat before Marcus replied. “Well, I can,” he stuttered, “I mean, I can now, if you want me to.”

“I do want that,” Esca groaned softly, “but not here. Back at school, yeah?”

He would've loved to have Marcus's hands on him right then. But it didn't seem right, in a generic guest room with his uncle somewhere in the house, both of them trying to stay quiet.

Marcus nodded in agreement, seeming to ease against him.

“Are you going to tell your uncle?”

“Oh shit,” Marcus said, and Esca could feel the tension return almost instantly. “He's going to love this.”

“He thought we were together anyway, so what's the difference?”

“The differences is I have to tell him he was right.”

“Aww, let him have his fun,” Esca laughed. “You could've had an uncle who was a prat about it.”

“Yeah, true.”

“So does this mean I can hold your hand in front of him?”

“Yes,” Marcus replied reluctantly.

“And hug you?”

“Yes.”

“And kiss you?”

“Yes,” Marcus laughed, “but I didn't think you'd be into PDAs.”

Esca winked. “Just making up for lost time.”

*

Esca didn't kiss Marcus in front of his uncle. Or hug him. Or even hold his hand.

By the time they were both showered, dressed, and packed to leave, Marcus seemed back to his shy, quiet self. Esca spent the morning by his side, saying nothing of their earlier conversation or the kiss from the night before. The bravest Esca got was when he slipped two fingers around Marcus's pinkie as they stood by the door, waiting for his uncle to return from the kitchen with an armful of leftovers.

Marcus said nothing of it. He didn't turn to look at Esca, or even wrap his other fingers around Esca's. But he didn't pull his hand away either, which Esca took as a good sign.

The ride back was quiet, with Marcus listening to music for most of the ride and Esca occasionally tapping his arm and asking what song was playing. After several inquiries, Marcus offered one of his ear buds to Esca and they spent the rest of the ride leaned in together, listening to Marcus's music.

Esca wanted to ask about the mix Marcus had made for him, to find out if it had meaning behind it. He was dying to get back to his room to listen to it, no longer scared of what he might find. Even if it was just a random collection of songs, at least he finally knew how Marcus really felt. Or, at least, he thought he knew. Things seemed different outside of the guest room, away from the coziness of that bed.

When they arrived outside Esca's dorm, the driver popped the trunk and Marcus followed Esca out of the car. Esca lifted out his bag and threw it over his shoulder as Marcus sorted through the containers of food before handing him three different ones.

“The blue one needs to go in your fridge.”

Esca glanced down at the container and then back up at Marcus. “Are you not coming up?”

“I should take my stuff home.”

“Oh.” Esca didn't bother trying to mask his disappointment. “Alright then.”

“But I'll text you?”

“Sure,” Esca nodded. He couldn't help but stare at Marcus for a moment, puzzling over what had happened, and Marcus kept his head ducked, peeking up at Esca as if he were still behind his mass of black hair.

“Bye,” Marcus said, turning quickly, and Esca reached for him, snagging the arm of his coat before he could get away.

“Marcus.”

Esca leaned up, kissing the side of Marcus's mouth, and then held his gaze long enough to say, “see you soon, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Esca stood on the curb –his arms full of food, and his travel bag much heavier on his shoulder than he remembered it being– and watched Marcus go.

*

Esca was nervous as he cracked open his laptop and waited for it to boot up. Even if the mix wasn't intended to be a love letter to him, it was a still something Marcus had made for him, and there was a chance it might allow him another glimpse at all the things Marcus kept hidden.

His fingers fumbled with the drive as he plugged it into the side of the computer, and then he clicked the little icon labeled _“Songs For Esca”_ , waiting to see the list of file names.

The first one made him laugh out loud.

_1\. S.O.S – Rihanna_

It was the song Marcus had been listening to the day they first broke the ice, when Esca was pretty sure he'd earned himself a punch in the face by taking Marcus's ear buds and sneaking a listen to his music.

_2\. Teenage Dream – Katy Perry_

It was the song Esca had played for Marcus that same day, as a means of calming his temper and letting him know he wasn't alone in his secret love of pop music. Marcus had recognized it immediately, a fact that amused them both, and it was the first time he'd seen Marcus smile.

_3\. Thriller – Michael Jackson_

The song had been on repeat at the Halloween party he'd dragged Marcus to, when he'd forced Marcus to wear his scarves and Marcus had skipped out early. It was the first time Marcus had taken care of Esca when he'd had too much to drink, and Esca had forced him to stay the night and cuddle.

_4\. Mary Had a Little Lamb - Stevie Ray Vaughan_

“Piss off!” Esca laughed to himself as he read the title. His mind went back to the first trip to the barn with Marcus, when he'd made Esca face his fears and they'd played with lambs, and Marcus had protected him from the giant ewe. Esca still wasn't a big fan of sheep, but the lambs were pretty damn cute, and it was a start, at least.

_5\. Pipeline – The Ventures_

_6\. White Room (theme from wrestling) – Cream_

The first song brought him back to cruising down the highway in the caddy, watching Marcus amuse himself by winding up his uncle. The second made Esca pause as he read the title.

“Theme from wrestling?” he muttered to himself, clicking the file and waiting for the music to begin.

It only took a second, a few beats in, and he was flashing back to being on the floor of the music room with Marcus. Esca couldn't remember the conversation, but he knew they'd bantered about something and he'd challenged Marcus to wrestle, and suddenly Marcus had been on him, pulling his leg up and his head down, holding him there. It all flashed through his mind as the music played, little glimpses of that moment – Marcus's laughter, Esca's cursing, the strength of Marcus's arms as he held him in place, and then Marcus's breath against his ear as he declared himself the winner. Esca wished that he could remember the moment properly, without the haze of being high

It was clear the mix was a means of documenting their friendship – a collection of songs that played some role in their relationship. It was an odd relief, because Esca had been looking for meaning and Marcus's mix was full of meaning. 

He skimmed over the rest of the tracks, recognizing a few, and then scrolled back to the top. He loaded all the tracks in his audio player and clicked play, intending to lie on his bed and let them play through.

He made it halfway through track four before he was sound asleep.

*

Esca woke to a knock at his door, and fumbled around for a moment, briefly forgetting that he was back in his dorm room.

“Yeah!” he shouted. “Be right there.”

He checked his laptop, only to discover the mix had played through and was long over. A quick glance at the clock told him he'd been asleep far longer than he'd intended and had likely missed dinner in the cafeteria. No matter, he figured, he had a fridge full of leftovers anyway.

He opened the door without much enthusiasm, assuming it was someone welcoming him back or inviting him out somewhere, and was shocked to find Marcus standing on the other side.

Marcus looked nervous, standing close to the door, the hood of his sweater pulled low over his face, and his hands shoved in his pockets.

“Hey,” Esca said, reaching out hesitantly, wanting to touch Marcus or pull him into a hug or _something_.

“Hey,” Marcus replied, and he glanced around awkwardly before raising his gaze to meet Esca's.

Esca couldn't help the sharp inhale of breath or the low “oh my god, Marcus” that escaped his mouth.

Marcus's face was bare, wiped clean of his usual makeup. His piercings were still there, but the black eyeliner and his usual white mask were gone. He appeared worried, fearful, and maybe a little bit hopeful, and he looked up and down the hallway again as if he was afraid someone else might see him.

“Get in here,” Esca said, grabbing Marcus's wrist and tugging him through the door.

 

Once inside, Marcus stood by the door and made no motion to remove his hood.

“Marcus,” Esca sighed, slowly raising his hand to touch Marcus's cheek. His skin was darker than Esca had imagined, olive-toned, with a few stray freckles over his cheeks. His lips were dark pink, as they'd been that morning, and Marcus's tongue jutted out to lick them again. At the movement, Esca leaned closer, wanting to kiss him.

It was gentle, hesitant, and to his relief, Marcus returned the kiss. He leaned in, pressing his lips to Esca's with an eagerness Esca hadn't expected. It felt comfortable there, with their faces pressed together under the hood, and Esca could feel the warmth of Marcus's breath on him.

When they parted, Marcus ducked his head again. Esca slipped his hands over Marcus's hips, hooking his fingers in his belt loops, and pulled him closer.

“You alright?”

Marcus nodded, glancing around the room. His eyes stopped on Esca's open laptop. “Did you listen to the mix I made?”

“Yeah, well, most of it. I fell asleep halfway through.”

“That good, huh?”

“It's not that,” Esca laughed. “I was glad to finally hear it, and it's brilliant, but I was tired and– “ he shook his head, searching for the word “–confused.”

“Because of me?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry.”

“Nah, it's okay,” Esca pulled Marcus closer, “and you're here now.”

Marcus was quiet, shivering against him.

Esca looked at him curiously. “You sure you're alright?”

Marcus nodded, smiling. “I'm just really nervous.”

“About the..” Esca tilted his head towards Marcus's face, bringing a hand up to thumb over his jaw.

“About everything.”

“God, Marcus, come here,” he said, taking Marcus's hand and pulling him further into the room. He tapped the fabric of Marcus's hood. “Wanna take this off?”

Marcus nodded again, letting go of Esca's hand long enough to pull the sweater over his head. When it was off, he reached for Esca's hand, holding it tightly, and Esca could feel the slight tremors as he shivered again.

“You've never been nervous with me before.”

“We've never been alone like this before.”

“We're alone all the time.”

“Not like _this_ ,” Marcus said, stressing the word as he gestured between them.

Esca nodded as he looked up at Marcus. His face was familiar, yet so different, and Esca felt as if he wanted to just stare at Marcus and relearn all the details of his face. “Listen, we don't have to do anything. I just want to see you.”

“No, I want to,” Marcus replied, laughing nervously. “I really want to. I'm just new to this.”

“Alright.” Esca reached for Marcus's other hand, pulling him toward the bed. “Alright.”

 

Esca stopped at the side of the bed, setting his hands on Marcus's waist and thumbing up under his shirt. The heat of Marcus's skin under the fabric sent an ache through Esca's cock, and he wanted to tug the shirt over Marcus's head and pull him down onto the bed, but it wasn't the right moment for that. If Marcus was nervous, they could take their time.

“Can I look at you?” Esca asked, trying to read Marcus's expression. “Is that okay?”

Marcus nodded, lifting the bottom of his shirt, pulling it up a few inches. “Yeah.”

Esca smoothed his hands over Marcus's hips and slid his fingers up, pulling the fabric with him. He'd never seen Marcus's stomach, only teasing glimpses once in a while if he was sleeping or stretching. The skin there was smooth and taut, and slightly more rounded than Esca's own stomach. Esca took the opportunity to thumb over his belly button, teasing, and touched the soft hair that traveled down Marcus's navel.

Marcus's breath seemed to catch in his throat, and he let out a huff of air. “Sensitive,” he said quietly, smiling at Esca.

Esca just returned the smile as he trailed his fingers over the strip of hair, then ran his hand along the line of Marcus's jeans, not daring to dip lower than that yet. He touched the soft skin of Marcus's stomach, feeling a bit silly for how lovingly he was touching him and how obvious it likely was that he'd wanted to do that for a while.

Esca's cock was already half-hard in his trousers, and he would've been happy to touch Marcus there, just like that, for the rest of the evening. But Marcus moved, reaching down and tugging his shirt up a bit further. Esca raised a hand to help him, rucking Marcus's shirt up into his armpits, and the sight of Marcus's bare chest sent a surge through Esca's cock. He paused over Marcus's nipples, glancing up at Marcus to make sure it was okay, and then he thumbed over them both, teasing both sides at once. Marcus stepped back for a moment, laughing.

“Sorry,” Esca smiled, reaching for him.

“It's alright.” Marcus moved closer, grabbing Esca's outstretched hand and placing it on himself again. “Just caught me off guard.”

Esca trailed his fingers up, avoiding Marcus's nipples for a moment, not wanting him to pull away again. He smoothed over Marcus's chest, just looking, touching, amazed that he was finally allowed. A freckle caught his eye, then another, and Esca glanced up at Marcus. “Can I take this off?” he asked, tugging at Marcus's shirt.

Marcus nodded, and yanked it over his head. His arms fell back to his sides and he waited, watching Esca, his head tilted as if he was too nervous to look at him directly.

Marcus was gorgeous – built and beautiful, with just a hint of roundness in his stomach, and Esca couldn't take his eyes off the freckles that covered Marcus's shoulders. Esca's fingers hovered there, wanting to touch but waiting and trying to savor it, ghosting over the speckled skin.

“Marcus,” Esca sighed. “Your freckles.”

Marcus laughed quietly. “You're so weird.”

“I fucking am,” Esca replied, laughing at himself. “I don't know why I like them, but god, Marcus, they're beautiful.”

Esca kept his eyes on Marcus's chest after he said it, unable to look him in the eye, but beautiful was the perfect word for them. Those freckles, taunting him from under Marcus's collar, and Marcus's skin, hidden for so long and finally there for him to see and touch.

“Wanna lie down?” Esca asked, hoping Marcus would say yes, and Marcus just nodded and let Esca pull him down onto the bed.

“On your back,” Esca suggested, his voice low, “so I can keep looking.”

“Will you take off your shirt?” Marcus asked, and Esca finally met his eye again, looking at him with surprise.

“Sure,” he said quickly, tugging off his shirt and tossing it to the floor. “Just that?”

Marcus shrugged and reached for Esca's hip, thumbing over the tattoo that peeked above the waist of his trousers.

Esca unbuttoned his trousers but stopped there, not entirely sure if Marcus wanted to go further.

Then he turned his focus back to Marcus, moving slowly, touching him, tracing his skin, trying to learn every bump and curve. Marcus remained still, glancing down at him occasionally and smirking when he stayed too long in one spot. Esca fingered over his chest and down his side, tracing the lines of his hip bones, following the trail of his hair back up and smoothing over the rounded slope of Marcus's belly.

The room was quiet, save for the occasional inhale of breath from Marcus when Esca touched a ticklish spot, or teased a sensitive spot that made Marcus sigh and flex his fingers against Esca's hip. Marcus's hand remained there, his thumb worrying against Esca's skin, tracing little circles over and over until he finally spoke.

“Esca,” he said quietly, and Esca glanced up to find Marcus gazing at him with a look of longing. Marcus's fingers tugged at his hip, encouraging him to move back up the bed. “Come here.”

Marcus shifted, sitting up as Esca pulled himself onto his knees and crawled up the bed. He placed a knee on either side of Marcus, straddling his lap, waiting to see what Marcus would do.

Marcus took hold of his waist, his hands still shaking slightly, and he pulled Esca closer. He thumbed over the tattoo at Esca's hip, glancing between it and his face, and then dipped his head and placed a soft kiss to Esca's hip bone.

Esca's breath stuttered in surprise and he arched his back, pushing his skin closer to Marcus's mouth. Marcus tongued over him, quick hesitant little licks, and then moved up, trailing his mouth over Esca's side and up his chest. He paused there nervously before placing a kiss to one of Esca's nipples. It was sweet and simple, and surprisingly erotic – because it was Marcus. Sweet, nervous Marcus. Sweet, nervous, beautiful Marcus with the hidden face and the secret freckles, and he was kissing Esca, trailing that warm mouth over him, and Esca could only mutter, “God, Marcus” as his hands slid from Marcus's shoulders, up his neck, and into his hair. He held on, using Marcus to keep his balance, as Marcus mouthed at him, his lips trailing across Esca's skin.

Esca's cock pushed hard against his jeans, pressing against Marcus's stomach. With Marcus's mouth on him, Esca couldn't keep himself from rutting, pushing his hips against the wall of heat and muscle and soft skin that was Marcus.

“I can't,” Esca stuttered, “I'm sorry, I want – “ and Marcus nodded, tilting his head up towards Esca, his eyes pleading as Esca leaned in to kiss him.

“Me too,” Marcus breathed between kisses, nervous questions falling from his lips “Is this? Here, like this? Is this okay?” and Esca laughed and nodded and eased Marcus back down onto the bed.

“It's okay,” Esca whispered, “it's okay, just like this.”

He put his weight on Marcus, lying on top of him and he pushed his hips down, twisting a little, rutting until he could feel the distinct press of Marcus's cock against this thigh. Esca brought his hand to Marcus's zipper, looking up to him for permission, waiting until he received a nod from Marcus. The nod was frantic, needy, and Esca was quick to unzip Marcus, pushing his palm against Marcus's briefs, feeling the heat of his cock through the fabric. Marcus moaned above him, and Esca traced his length with his fingers, thumbing over the head and the wet spot in the fabric.

“I won't last,” Marcus said after a moment, reaching past Esca's hand and yanking down the front of his briefs. He took his cock in hand and gave it a hard squeeze in his fist. “Oh fuck, Esca, I won't last.”

“Okay,” Esca whispered, mildly distracted by the sight of Marcus's cock and the strong hand gripping it, and he managed to unzip his own jeans and take himself out. “Here,” he said quickly, lining his cock with Marcus's and aiming to distract him with a kiss. “Like this.”

Marcus eased his hand off himself and let Esca rut against him. Esca licked at his mouth, curling his tongue around Marcus's as they thrust against each other, and Esca's cock, wet with pre-come, slid slick against Marcus's own.

Neither one was able to last. Marcus went first, his trembling hands gripping Esca's hips as he let out a soft moan into Esca's mouth. His hips pushed up into Esca's, thrusting against him then stilling as his cock jerked and spilled warmth between them. That was what pushed Esca over. 

“God, Marcus, Marcus,” Esca breathed against his lips. 

Marcus's cock jerking against him and the warm liquid pooling on Marcus's belly sent a surge through Esca's balls and he was shooting between them, his cock leaking the last little bit down Marcus's hip as he eased off and slumped against Marcus's chest.

 

After several minutes, Esca moved, propping himself up with his hands so he was staring down at Marcus and able to look at him properly.

“I'm glad I can see your face.”

Marcus laughed. “I'm glad I can see your face too.”

“No,” Esca said, “I mean, seeing your face – seeing you. I like it.”

Marcus smiled at him then, and Esca smiled back. He felt elated, drunk from happiness at seeing Marcus for the first time –the real Marcus– smiling at him. He wanted to say a lot of things in that moment, silly things, things about love and promises of forever, but he knew it was too soon for that. He loved Marcus, of course, and he guessed that Marcus might love him too, but it was too soon for proclamations, too soon for promises.

But there was one Esca could make, and he knew it to be true.

“I'll never hurt you, you know.”

Esca stared hard at Marcus, wanting to make sure it was clear that he meant every word of it.

Marcus nodded, not breaking Esca's gaze. “I know.”

“Even if you decide that... this..” he gestured between them, “isn't what you want.”

Marcus frowned slightly. “I can't imagine not wanting this.”

“You might,” Esca said carefully. “Eventually you might.”

“Well eventually _you_ might too.”

“Nah, I'm hard to get rid of once you've got me hooked.”

Marcus just smiled and grabbed him by the back of the head, pulling him in for a kiss. It broke the seriousness of the moment and Esca was smiling by the time they broke apart.

“So, is this a new thing then?”

“What do you mean by _this_?”

“Being able to see your face.”

Marcus shrugged. “Maybe. I was getting tired of it all anyway.”

“In that case, can I make a bit of a request?”

“What?” Marcus eyed him with mild suspicion.

“That black eyeliner,” Esca said carefully, touching Marcus's face. “If you wanted to wear that again sometime... I wouldn't mind.”

Marcus huffed out a laugh. “You'd like that?”

“I'd fucking _love_ that.”

“I can do that then.” Marcus smiled again. “For you I will.”

Then he pulled Esca down into a hug and Esca went willingly, welcoming the comfort of Marcus's arms. It felt good, and right, and like he'd always been there. But it was different that time too, with Marcus initiating it, and Esca felt safe there. It'd been a long time since he'd felt safe anywhere, but in that moment, resting against Marcus he felt completely safe and protected.

“I'll never hurt you either,” Marcus said quietly, as if he'd been reading Esca's thoughts.

His mind flashed back to Marcus tiptoeing over worms in the rain, and carrying little lambs, and the afternoon he used Marcus as a shield when an evil sheep was headed his way. He remembered Marcus getting water for him when he was drunk, and putting cool cloths on his head when he was hungover, and he had a vague recollection of Marcus carrying him up the stairs on his back when he'd been a bit too high to venture up them himself. Mostly he remembered the feel of Marcus next to him, all those times he put up with Esca's need to cuddle and wrapped strong arms around him.

Esca grinned against Marcus and placed a kiss to his chest, just above one of those long-hidden freckles. “I know.”


End file.
